Acceptance…

It was May 24 2009 when I hit the bottom and knew I couldn’t continue the way I was. I had a breakdown and wanted my life to end, I didn’t want my life, my kids or this struggle that alcohol gave me any longer. The guilt and shame was overwhelming. My world was falling apart. I was unglued and I didn’t know what do. All of the ugly things that I had been told for so many years were ranting in my head. You are nothing, no one wants you, you are a horrible parent, those are a few things that would rip through my mind and make me want to drink and die. It was 9am on a Sunday, I was still wrecked from drinking for probably 12 + hrs. I couldn’t remember what happened fully, I was a blackout kinda drinker, I used to drink so much that no one could reason with me,  until that faithful day. My husband told me either this family or the drink, you pick it and let me know. 

I spent a week in the mental health unit after I admitted myself full of such anger and rage! Like I said, I told my family to get lost, I didn’t want them near me. I thought they didn’t deserve me, they would be better off without having me. My husband, then boyfriend, can do so much better than me. I hated everyone but mostly I hated myself for what a mess I had become. What happened, how did I end up here? I couldn’t fight anymore, there was no more accepting my behaviour. 

When I awoke on May 25th, still in emerge but in my own room,  I started to realize what I had done. Oh gosh, the urgency to call home and talk to my boyfriend and beg for his forgiveness. I would of done anything and everything for him to please not leave me and my kids. We needed him, I needed him, more than I ever knew. 

I stayed in the hospital for 6 days and I felt I was ready to go home. I missed everyone deeply. I needed that connection. I was lost and it took me years of sole searching, evaluation of myself and those around me, I dealt with so many emotions during my first few weeks and months. But I was determined and ready to fight once more for myself and my family. 

Once home I was feeling better. I found an AA Meeting right up the street and went to my first meeting. I was terrified! Who will be there? I have to do this alone? Yes, I did it and my perspective was way off. There’s good people here! Like professional people! What an eye opener. I was welcomed with such happiness and graciousness. They knew exactly what I was going through. I sat beside some women close to my age and listened to their story. At the end of the night I received my 24hr token! I was so happy and honestly in a haze of confusion. 

It took me probably 6 months to accept completely that I am an alcoholic, or someone with a drinking problem. I handled the fact in the beginning that I could no longer drink but, I took total acceptance of my decease when I could deal with the fact that I am an alcoholic and I know I can never drink again……and, I’m okay with that.

This is, Being Me Sober