You don’t get to choose your disease.
You’ve been diagnosed with cancer, diabetes, or a heart condition. Yes, those are diseases, you can’t choose to be full of cancer or have a bad heart and say that’s it one day and it goes into hibernation. How can alcoholism be a disease when you can stop it?
This was the question I had for months in the beginning of my sobriety. How? Is what I kept asking, when you have a choice? We all have a choice to stop but, it is up to us to rule this disease.
I came to the conclusion that it’s a disease of our minds, of our state. Our minds, that voice that tells us to take a drink, keep drinking, or you are fine it’s them that has the problem. The voice calls out to us, manipulates us, rules our being. Eventually we have the power to over rule that voice and say, NO, we make the choice not to succumb to the “disease”.
It’s a silent disease, it creeps up on us without us even knowing. One day your controlling it and the next its controlling you.
When I started to drink in my teens, it was normal I could control it and when I had my children I hardly ever drank. What happened?
I often said to my husband, “If I had of been married to you the whole time I may not be an alcoholic”. Was I destined to have a problem? I drank to escape my marriage, to escape the man I came to hate. By the time my marriage was over my drinking was out of control. I was able to function with my business and raise my children without losing focus or losing them. I was only a weekend drinker/binger, unless some stress came my way and I would drink to deal. One morning while going through my separation, I was extremely upset about a letter that I had received, I can’t remember now what it was but it was enough to get me in my car after the kids went to school, and drive to the store and grab a case of ginger ale to mix with my scotch and I was going to end it all. I did not care anymore all I wanted to do was wallow in my drunken haze and feel sorry for myself. I was raging and did not know what to do except listen to that voice and drink it away. That voice is the disease, the disease of our mind taking control.
This is, Being Me Sober