Wonder….

This disease we call alcoholism is and was confusing. I often sit and wonder or talk to my husband about how I came to be an alcoholic. If I had married him first, would I have become an alcoholic? If I wasn’t in an abusive marriage that lead me to drink more than I should have. To escape the thoughts of knowing my ex was cheating and not being able to prove it and he making me feel like I was crazy. If I didn’t find him so disgusting that I craved to just get loaded and escape.

I don’t know when it triggered that I lost control of my drinking. I just know wine, beer, whatever booze there was, was my go to and coping mechanism for many years.

Is it possible that I wouldn’t of become an alcoholic if I met and had kids with my now husband instead of what and who I did marry? Is it just in our genes that one day it just hits?

I often wonder, if I could go back with the amazing husband I have now, would it be different? Would I be able to drink like a normal person? Or would I have the same result just in a different way or outcome.

I do know one thing, if I could go back I wouldn’t pick up a drink to test it out.

I don’t like to wonder where I would be now if my husband and kids didn’t save me from myself.

 

This is Being Me Sober…

3 thoughts on “Wonder….

  1. “I do know one thing, if I could go back I wouldn’t pick up a drink to test it out.”- Yes, that’s the most important thing.! I finally stopped all the questioning in my head about “when”. Just took up too much space and energy. And got me nowhere. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sometimes I wonder those things, but my years of struggle make me the Anne I am today. And I like this person. I have true empathy and compassion.
    Whatever our struggles were…they sucked and I wouldn’t choose them…but they forged my heart.

    Liked by 2 people

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