As some of you know by following my site, thank you, I have been recovering from the addiction of alcohol for almost 10 years now. Getting here was not easy but I did it! How? I started out by admitting myself to the mental health ward in the hospital because well, I wanted to die. I wanted to be rid of everything and everyone around me because the shame of what I had become and the things I had done and said to the people who mean the most to me. I knew I would die if I didn’t get help but I didn’t know where to go or what to do.
I was headed on foot with tea in my mug, yes tea. I just spent the last 12 hours + binge drinking, raging and acting out. I told my kids and husband they were better off without me. I couldn’t do it. I was an embarrassment to them and myself. I was told my whole life that I would amount to nothing and I had, I thought. There’s that voice again.
I had downed all my anti-depressants in hopes of them just taking me anywhere but where I was. Deep down I knew they wouldn’t kill me but I was making a statement to who ever was watching me. I was screaming on the inside for help. Doing anything to just be gone so I didn’t have to face the questions of why.
I was so scared because I didn’t want to lose my kids, they are everything to me and now I had to go back and beg my husband, then boyfriend to forgive me and give me one more chance. You see this had been happening for 3 years with him. The black outs, the rages and the all day long on the couch Sunday’s. The excuses. He had no idea of how bad I was. When we met I pleaded with myself to not freak out or go to bed early so I didn’t stay up all night drinking and black out. I knew early on that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He’s the best person other than my children that happened to me. He didn’t understand my past, my secrets, or how I dealt with it, I mean I hadn’t even dealt with it. I just got out of the madness and chaos I was in for the last 34 years.
Spending the 5 days in the hospital made me realize I had to change. I was in a sort of haze the whole time I was there but I was determined to be better and get better. I had to finally deal with my past and not turn to alcohol to communicate or live or even to have fun. I had to stop the circle of abuse.
Slowly my family, by family I mean my husband and children, started to believe in me again. I was starting to feel better. More alive, more valued and more wanted. The issues I had with some people in my life were coming full force and I had to make a choice of who was healthy for me to grow and who was not. It was time to clean house. Mind you it didn’t happen right way but the longer I was sober the more clearly I saw people in my life as they truly are.
I was like a scientist, dissecting everyone and everything in my life. The people I put up on a pedestal were not actually the people I imagined them to be. Some came full circle and give me the love I had been missing.
It was not an easy task, like I said, to get to where I have come. There was a lot of tears, anger, blame and with the right people, the truth and the proper support in you circle, you too can have a life you so desperately want and deserve.
Don’t be ashamed to seek help for what you are going through or have gone through. It follows us and will eat us alive if we don’t deal with the issues that lead us here.
This is Being Me Sober