“I’m going to leave! RUN!”
That’s what I said to myself when I felt threatened, I felt insecure or was faced with confrontation. My first instinct would be to run, to avoid the heartache before it came. I wanted to be in control of the outcome. I would walk away before they would because I knew that’s what was going to happen anyways. I would pack a bag, figure out where I was going to go, which was nowhere because I didn’t have anyone really, just me, and later, myself and my 2 children. I would be freaking out inside because I really didn’t want to leave I was just so scared. It’s what I did, for so long.
What was I afraid of?
As young as 4 years old I saw physical abuse going on at home, an image I still can not get out of my mind today. Parents divorced when I was 5, and then the abuse turned onto me. At the age of 9 years old I felt the pain of abandonment and then throughout my early teenage years I was subjected to verbal abuse. I don’t remember what I felt then being so young, and not fully understanding what was happening. I imagine I was very scared, confused and sad. I carried with me all the anger, insecurities, confusion, and self doubt and it just grew and made itself at home in me over the years.
I was afraid of communicating how I felt. I didn’t know what or how to say what was going on in my head. Until I was full of drink and liquid courage, that’s when it turned and the shadows came out. I would believe that no one wanted me. Why would they want me?
I felt ashamed of myself for my lack of education, lack of money, lack of control. I was full of anger on the inside that showed its face when I drank in excess, binged all night long.
I discovered a way too protect myself and be in control. Run! Leave, before anyone gets the chance to hurt me again. I was in control.
How and when did that happen?
I was married at the age of 22 to a man for 13 years who gave me 2 beautiful children, first a son, then a daughter, but the marriage started to go really bad year after year. The verbal and physical abuse was escalating slowly but quickly for my son and I. I couldn’t do this to my children. I couldn’t continue to drink like this. I hated the man I was married to and the person I was. I had reached the point of leaving, running, for good.
My drinking got heavier and heavier just to be able to stay in the marriage. I had no where to go. No money as I was a stay at home mom. I worked of course, but never had enough to just leave for good. So I continued on with the marriage and the drink, and the hope that things got better.
I did leave though. It was a hell of a ride but I left and it was a very happy scary time as I headed into another unknown territory. It was just me and the kids for 2 years.
My drinking was not bad. I had a cleaning company and 2 kids to raise, I didn’t have time or the need for binge drinking all night. I was free. So I thought. I thought I would miraculously be healed if I didn’t have him in my life. That’s another story though.
Being insecure and having not one ounce of love for myself, carrying all the weight of my past has caused me to jeopardize and at times, sabotage relationships. I couldn’t communicate because I was afraid and didn’t know how or where to start. I blamed myself if things went array.
I ran because I was afraid of letting people in, afraid that they would leave or hurt me. Waiting for the punches. So I built a wall around myself to keep the monsters out. I had a shell around me to protect myself and my kids. Every man was the same in my mind.
Until I met the man who changed my life.
This is, Being Me Sober.