Walking away

When I say walking away, I mean from everything and almost everyone. Toxic people will always be toxic. Narcissistic people will always be narcissist. Alcoholics will always be alcoholic. We have to have so much power over our mind and become tough when we are walking away from something unhealthy in our lives. Whether it be a person or thing. I mean, we’ve already walked away from the one thing that almost killed us. One day we said, “ENOUGH“. We have to do the same to the people that are toxic for our sobriety and mental health. Sometimes I struggle.

I’m struggling right now about my father. We have quite a history, me and my dad, but I will do my best to sum it up! Ok in a nut shell, Even though he is a domestic abuser, he’s on his 5th wife, drinks to the point of blacking out (not all the time) then goes hay wire, buys the wife a Jag, or a Hummer, did I mention he’s very successful, cries, apologizes and cons the wives to stay a little longer…get the picture? Typical right?  I saw and heard so much violence at a young age. I was a child confused, angry and growing into someone that I dreaded to be. My father was a constant in my life, not physically there all the time because he was on the road in the early years being a truck driver, then moved to the States to be with his new girlfriend (wife #3) he met while trucking and still, if I may add, with wife number 2 at the time. But, he was all I had. I could share everything with him, he taught me so many valuable things in life . I watched him build his success. But I always knew the other side. I was scared and always had that fear, knowing what he was capable of if I crossed the line. He wasn’t abusive if he didn’t drink, nor was he physically abusive to me, he was just mean at times. As I got older and we became closer and more emotionally dependent on him. I was in an abusive marriage myself for years and again he was all I had other than my children. Dad will be there for us I thought when I left my marriage. He was, on his terms, his way and you’d better appreciate what he did for you or he’ll turn.  My drinking was way outta control then btw, my life was just chaotic.

I was 6 months sober and went to visit him and we sat in the games room, as usual, and instead of, “I’m proud of you”, he got himself a beer and asked me if I wanted one, I refused, and he says, “Well, you can have one”

No, dad, I can’t. That’s when it really changed. We were slowly becoming two different people. No, I, was becoming a different person.

My sobriety has really opened my eyes to the kind of person he truly is. I found myself becoming angry at him for his behavior and issues he’s never admitted too let alone get help for. He’s never said sorry and meant it. He manipulates and cons all who choose to surround themselves with him. He will hurt anyone to save his skin. There is so much that I have to let go of because of his actions and manipulation. He is recovering right now due to the removal of his testicle. Yup, he could have cancer. When I first heard I did text him and wish him well, we haven’t spoken in over a year so I felt, he is, after all my father and I know I would regret not saying or acknowledging the issue. I’m not that cold! Anyway, he’s recently once again hurt me to the core and it’s been weighing on my mind very heavily. I’m struggling with not writing to him or letting him know what he has done? Is it worth it? No, is my first incline, but I feel like I need some sort of closure…Any advice?

Its my heart that gets in the way now, not the booze!

This is , Being Me Sober