Good morning fellow warriors! Today I’d like to talk about Cannabis and the skepticism and controversy behind it.
The first time I tried Cannabis I was in high school, like some of us and for some maybe earlier in life or for some maybe none at all.
Once out of high school I rarely if ever touched cannabis, until I quit drinking and my girlfriend asked me if I wanted to share a joint. I was very scared at first because I didn’t want to become addicted to it or feel the need to have or crave it like I did with alcohol. Of course I smoked it, I’m not a stranger to it and I was 41 years old and had 2 years of sobriety from alcohol under my belt.
I’m 54 now and have been smoking cannabis since I was 41. I have the knowledge and experience to share the huge difference between the effects of alcohol and the effects of cannabis. Let me tell you what a difference it is!
If you are a newcomer to my page or a continued reader you will know the struggles I had with alcohol. Let me share again.
I was a binge drinker with blackout episodes and I wanted to party or rage all night long. Like they say in AA, One drink, One drunk. How true. We put that drink to our mouth and in a couple of hours we are a totally different person. I didn’t commit to what I would say to myself, keep it cool tonight, or I shouldn’t drink. There was no reasoning with myself because alcohol had taken over any reasoning I could have had. I made a mess of my relationships. I left scars on people who cared for me. I scared people to the point of them being afraid of me. I’m 5’2″ 130 lbs, how could they be afraid of me? I wouldn’t hurt anyone, when I drank to blackout rage I guess I would be afraid too. The worst and best thing about blackouts is we don’t remember what we did or said. Is that good or bad? Both. It’s hard not having clarity and listening to the people tell you what you are like when in that state because that is not the person you truly are when present. We try to understand and wonder why we get to this point. I know why I would blackout. I was terrified of being abandoned, as I had been for years on and off by my mom starting at the age of 8, I was traumatized as a child living in an abusive home, I had an unconscious terror of men, I had been kicked out at the age of 18, not for being bad or in trouble, but because I was in the way of my then step-mothers plans to have a new life and not have me tag along. I married a man who had become extremely alcoholic and abusive to me, our son and daughter. I managed to escape the marriage after 12 years. But, I was a mess! I was lost and felt so alone.
Drinking didn’t solve anything but make everything worse. There was no proper thought to why my parents did what they did, only blame. I was always depressed and my happiness was only temporary, and in general I am a very happy person even with all the shit life has thrown my way. Alcohol almost destroyed me and everyone around me.
Now I can safely say having cannabis in my life has been a game changer. It helps with my mood, my creativity, my traumas, and my understanding. Cannabis allows me to be calm, leveled out and controls my need to be doing something every minute of the day. I have ADD, my mother told me I was diagnosed when I was a child. I didn’t know until I was in my 40’s that I was diagnosed with that condition which explained a lot. I actually just watched a podcast about ADD but that is for another blog, but it was fascinating what I learned from it and makes total sense.
The effects of cannabis are no comparison to alcohol or any hard drug out there. I am assuming because I have never tried anything other than cannabis. From what I have learned and seen or heard from my adult children cannabis shouldn’t even be considered a comparison to other drugs. It is used in so many medicinal forms as a treatment. I’ve never heard of coke or heroin being in that spectrum. Yes, these are available in pharmaceutical form but are still extremely addictive and life threatening.
Cannabis is not an addictive substance, it can become habit forming but you never get the withdrawals or urges to have it NOW as you would with alcohol. I can go on a vacation knowing I won’t be able to smoke and I am okay with that whereas alcohol, not being able to have it, no way would I have gone anywhere. I can go to bed at a decent hour, like 8pm, lol. There are no more regrets in the morning, no shame, just clarity. I can talk nicely and have good conversations with people, I remember everything. I am present and my mood is balanced. If my meds aren’t quite working the way they should on some days and my hormones act up due to my depression I will have a little toke and I am leveled out. I don’t have the urge to stay up all night, call people to let them know what I really think or how they betrayed me. I am not making a mess everywhere I go. I can still participate in activities where everyone around me is drinking and I have my little stash to ward off the intrusive thoughts that come with being an alcoholic and having to still live in a world where alcohol is so widely acceptable and in every corner you turn.
When people say cannabis is the gateway to harmful other drugs, I have to disagree with that statement. It is all in the circumstances some will turn to harder drugs. Look deeper. Who do they associate with? Where do they live? What is their family situation? Those are all factors of underlying issues to be addressed when they say cannabis is a gateway to harder drugs. Never once have I thought of doing heroin or coke because of cannabis. I may have thoughts about drinking that pass in a second but never to explore the dangers of those actual extremely dangerous drugs.
I’ve wanted to talk about this before it became legal in Ontario, but that was a risk. Exposing myself to doing illegal activity. I wanted to share how much cannabis has helped me. Being in Menopause and having cannabis is very helpful for my moods like I said. But it has also helped with my sobriety from alcohol believe it or not.
I always had a hard time saying I was sober because I smoked. Even though we refer sober to alcohol and clean to drugs, it still felt awkward saying I was sober. It felt like I was lying to myself and others. Until my daughter said one day, “Look mom, this girl is Cali-Sober” which means sober from alcohol but a cannabis smoker. Cali comes from California, where cannabis first became legal. Oh My God I thought, that’s awesome! I finally have a name for myself and I love California so how fitting is that! The first thing I thought was, Oh i’m so doing a blog about this and I got to use the line the other day when we were at our favorite hang out with my tea. She asked if it was really tea in there, I get that all the time, Yes, I said, I’m Cali_Sober haha! Yay! I got to use my handle, “Cali-Sober”. You’d be shocked at the amount of people who actually enjoy a J (joint) here and there and respond with a, Oh cool! It’s freeing actually to have a name for what you do and don’t have people or yourself telling you you aren’t “sober”. Sober is what ever you think is your sober. No one else gets to tell you what it is or what it should be. If it works for you in a good way then go for it. No judgement.
So in a nut shell cannabis has been good for me, may not be good for all but it works for me and that’s all that matters, It doesn’t negatively effect my friends or family, it doesn’t make me feel worthless or angry. Cannabis doesn’t interfere with my life or my husband’s or children’s life. It keeps me present and level. It boosts my serotonin when lacking. It helps my creativity and keeps me busy. Cannabis motivates me and lets me see things in a more passionate way, it lets me deep think without the rage and anger. It lets me feel like I still fit in and am able to still “party” because that’s my personality. I love a great party but who wants to be blackout and unaware. I know my limit and I stay in it. I know when I’ve had enough. I can go to bed.
I am prepared for negative feedback. It’s okay. I welcome feedback and discussion. This is what works for me and my time here on earth. Do what works for you, no one else.
This Is Being Me Sober….
Being Me Sober 