Tag: addiction

Leisure, Mental Health

Are we shaped by experiences or by who we are?

beingmesober

Do you think we’re shaped more by our experiences or by who we are?

Are we shaped by experiences or who we are? Both.

Some heavy experiences in life shape our future and who we become for sure. Sets our nervous system. Fight or flight. PTSD, traumatic stress leaves scars, some to never repair. Shapes what we think and who or what we become as adults.

Certain experiences shape who we become. Whether for good or bad.

We as humans learn through watching. Learned behavior which shapes who we are. 

My son being abused by his father verbally and physically left deep scars and who he is today at 33 years young. His anger is still present and his words at times are valgur.  I’ve tried for years to help him but to no avail it’s embedded in him. Without therapy it will continue. I often wondered if I could have left the marriage sooner maybe my son wouldn’t be as scared. I’m happy to report he is an amazing father and doesn’t mistreat his boys or wife. The trigger is there and the switch can flip at anytime.  Hopefully with support and our endless talks he will settle. His experiences definitely affected who he became.

My life experiences definitely shaped who I became. I became the change. The one who broke the chain of abuse and alcoholism. I became the black sheep of my family speaking the truth and not being blind to who certain people were. Speaking the truth left me somewhat alone but I knew what I was doing was helping my scars and becoming who I was born to be. It left me strong and capable of overcoming.

I’m now helping my daughter with her trauma and addiction for everything that has shaped her into the young 30 year old she is.  She is now in therapy and it’s going well. She is slowly becoming the sweet girl she was before all the experiences she has been through.  I will continue to break the chain and circle of alcoholism and abuse in our family.

I knew before having children,  I was going to be everything to them and help shape their life as best I could. To be successful, to love with all their heart and be a good person. To be there for them always, to not abuse them like I was abused as a child, and to not live a life of domestic violence. I would never let that happen. Unfortunately I did end up back in the violence and alcoholism but I never let it change me inside. It may have changed who I was for a short time but I came out on top and used those experiences to help me today with my own kids.

Although the past desicions and home life had a part in who I would have been I used those experiences to my advantage today. I use them to share on here and with my kids. To show them we can do better. Its up to you to decide what you do with what comes along.

Will you concour or let those experiences determine or shape who you were born to be?

Mental Health

What I’ve been up to the last couple years…

beingmesober

Hello fellow warrior’s!

I hope you’re all striving to be your best selves!

As you may have read I’ve been getting creative and picked up Art and wrote a children’s book. We now have 7 grandbabies and loving every minute of it.

We moved in both places, here in Ontario and down South. Both were such good decisions. We are closer to our grandsons and our daughter down South and enjoying them tremendously!  

I’ve been watching my kids grow into their 30s and although it’s been a rough road at times, we manage. I try to be open minded and advise them as best I can. I’ve learned to step back and let them figure things out.

Hanging out with my son’s children, 4 and 1, has been wonderful. I love seeing him with his son’s. He interacts with them and plays and disciplines and loves them. Its amazing seeing he turned out that way after the way his father treated him. I worried about that. I prayed he would be a good dad. A good dad is what he is, a good provider and partner. Making Mama proud!

I turned 56 this year! Only 4 years to 60!! Whoohoo!! Hard to believe because I still feel so young. I actually find it comical. Onwards and upwards 🙌

I often think my life started at 40. A year after I left alcohol in the ditch, when I really enjoyed living alcohol free. I stopped thinking and living in the past. Finally having someone who stood by me and loved me and my kids. I have truly never been so adjusted, calm or happy. I’ve never felt I had a home, until I built one, ( not literlly ) with my husband, I was always running or given a reason to run. My life, our life improved tremendously when I got better. I got therapy, I went to AA, I know not for everyone, I had proper support and the right group of friends. I weeded my garden. It took years for me to break free from some toxic relationships but eventually I chose myself and removed what didn’t bring me peace. More weeding.

I have a life I love and that’s from making choices that I didn’t think I needed to make until faced with loosing everything I loved so much. Making choices of who was part of my life. Who deserved a place at my table.

It’s an illness that never goes away but once we get to the better side of it, a new you emerges. The one that you looked for, the one that’s been waiting to flourish, the one that matters.

We all hear the stories of what alcohol did to us but what about the good stuff. The positive and great things that come to our lives when we make that choice to live different and authenticly. Love ourselves enough to be who we are meant to be. Be amazed at what you can do, the potential that lays in you, and the opportunities that come your way. Embrace what life has to offer while we are here. Be the change. Have as much courage to set that drink down, that you did to pick it up for the first time. Think back. Remember how scared you were to drink. What’s gonna happen? It made us sick.

Trust me, it’s far from a boring life. It’s adventurous and so much more than you realize.

But, who am I to say, you should just try it and see for yourself! I dare for you to make a liar out of me 😋 I hope to see you on the other side.

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health

The hard years…

beingmesober

What’s a chapter of your life you’d title “The Hard Years” — and what got you through it?

My hardest years from 1998 – 2009. Staying in a marriage that was abusive towards me and my son. Eventually getting out. The years I drank to escape. The years I felt so alone. The years I wished I wasn’t here. The years of escape drinking.

My kids got me through those years. My son 11 and daughter 8. I had to be strong for them.

When I decided to end the marriage, 2004, it wasn’t easy. I was a stay at home mom. That was my career. I did work here and there and eventually started my own cleaning company.  I didn’t have money to up and leave.

My ex had a problem paying me support. Not because we didn’t have the money. We did. We were very successful and owned a business that he eventually destroyed. He refused to buy food for us, my car was repoed and he stopped paying the mortgage and the utilities.

My mom was in my life and had helped me with the mortgage until it sold. Her and my stepfather lent us a vehicle and somehow I was able to put food on the table.

Once our home sold, me and the kids packed up and moved closer to my mom. We left our dream home behind to never return to that part of life. As we drove away in the moving truck I was sad but happy. I was sad that it ended the way it did after 12 years together, but I was happy to have escaped, finally.

I knew we could make it just the 3 of us and I was looking forward to the future.

I was still fighting with my ex and eventually gave up on his support. Emotionally I couldn’t fight anymore. I was exhausted.

The money from selling our home wasn’t going to last and I had to start my cleaning company again in the area we moved but knew it wouldn’t be enough without my exs help. So, I put my head down and walked into the welfare office and applied.

How on earth did we get here? We had money, we had everything at such a young age. The big house, the cars, the underground pool and all the toys and there I was walking in too ask for help from the government. 

It was temporary I always told myself and no one needs to know. As soon as I made enough money to support us 3 I would get off welfare. The anger grew. The feeling of complete failure grew.

We lived on it for a year and I was back on my feet. I, we didn’t need my exs help. We can do this, and we did.

I tried to protect my kids from their father and his drunk abusive ways but the courts didn’t help. I eventually gave up on that too and decided to let my kids figure out how bad their father is and why we couldn’t stay. Why I was trying to keep them from him.

He never did pay one cent of support on his own efforts, but because I filed with the FRO – Family Responsibility Office, anytime my ex got a tax return my support was deducted or was deducted from his pay. So he stopped doing his taxes! Got a job that paid cash or just didn’t work. It was okay tho because I wasn’t stuck anymore, I was happy, I had my kids and that’s all I needed. We didn’t have a lot of money but we had each other.

I made our rental home nice and we had fun. My kids are my life and I would and did do everything and anything to make us happy and content.

The kids do have a relationship with their father. Not ideal but he’s in their life. He has helped them as they got older and of course doesn’t have to go through me to give money to get to them. So warped how some think.

Everything we went through was worth the finish line to get us too where we are now. We are happy, humble and stronger than we gave ourselves credit for. It left scars, deep deep scars especially for my son but together we made something so unimaginable into something worth fighting for. Peace and happiness.

Mental Health

One way I’ve grown this year.

beingmesober

What is one way you have grown this year?

The year feels like it’s just begun and here we are half way through.

This prompt ties in again with the other prompts we’ve had about boundries and looking back to our younger selves.

This year I’ve learned to set boundaries without guilt. Without letting whatever it is slide or make excuses.

I’ve grown this year to be more selfish and not offer myself to those who do not respect me. I was unable to do that before and I wasn’t fully happy. I was always on high alert waiting for something to happen, in certain situations. I would avoid a conversation so there was no conflict. I was not respecting myself enough to say enough is enough.

With having grown in that way it’s also helped me communicate better. I am speaking up when something bothers me, instead of avoiding and harboring. I’ve learned to give space and stop trying to fix what I can not fix. I’ve learned that I can’t be the net for my adult kids. They have to fly and I have to know they will still be there when I say no. Eventually they will respect me more for it in the end because I’m allowing them to grow as well.

Mental Health

My guide to setting boundries.

beingmesober

Write your guide to setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

This is something I’ve been working on for quite some time.

Setting boundries is difficult because a lot of the time it’s between people that are close to us.

When I first became sober I had to have a conversation with a friend about getting together when she drinks. Her and I had a very good drinking relationship but also a friend that I confided in. I had to explain to her that I could not be around her if she was drinking. She was a little taken back but agreed to get together and have tea with me instead. Every Friday night we did that for a year. Until I was secure enough in my sobriety, I had to set those boundries. Not just to my friend but to everyone around me.

We deserve respect and to be free of any unwanted relationship that doesn’t make us feel worthy or respected. If they don’t bring joy and happiness to your life then it’s up to you to set the boundaries of what you expect.

If someone in my life is not treating me with respect, I will bring it to their attention and ask for what I deserve. If they can not, then I have to distance myself from that person. Not out of anger or revenge but for my own mental stability. I want people to treat me with the same respect as I do them.

My husband and I have had to put down some pretty strick boundries with our 30 year old daughter who is in and out of recovery. It has been the most challenging experience we’ve ever had to deal with. We can not threaten to kick her out because we don’t want her on the streets or living in her car or worse, dying. Its not for lack of trying on her part but boundaries have to be there.

Set boundaries:

Right after work she is to come home. Her friends consists of 2 maybe 3 and those are the people who she can spend time with outside the home. She is to attend AA once a week or more and attend therapy.

One of the biggest challenges is what we do if she relapses. Well….we pick up and start again. These boundries are ones that she can handle and ones we are comfortable with. Sure we could kick her out but I’m not willing to accept what could happen.

Boundries are set for emotional well-being. There are rules we have to follow just as boundaries have to be put into place when our peace is at jeopardy or we are being mistreated. Sometimes it may feel selfish but if no one cares for you who will?

The only control people have over us, is the control we give them. KP

Leisure, Mental Health, Stages

I’m 17 Today!

beingmesober

Hello fellow warriors. I hope you’re all striving to be your best selves everyday.

Every year I wake up and think of where I was on my sobriety anniversary. My stomach turns, my mind and body feels every emotion I was feeling that day.

I was terrified of what I might have lost. What I was doing with my life and my children.The thing is I was not a daily drinker, I might have had a drink before dinner, but I knew once I started I didn’t want to stop. I had kids to get ready for school and I had a business to run. I couldn’t be hungover and expect to clean a house or business to perfection if I was not feeling 100%. No one can do their best after a night of binge drinking.

It was the long weekend in May of 2009. I was drinking all day with our neighbor. I don’t know what happened but I packed a suitcase and walked with my daughter and her friend to her house and decided to leave my boyfriend. I continued to drink at my daughters friends house, her mothers rum or whiskey and got on the phone with my dad in Florida and asked if he’d come pick me up in Ontario. I was leaving and I needed him to come get me. I had no regard for my son or daughter. How on earth was I even going to get them to the States. This is where my mind was at. Still trying to escape. Still running. Still drunk. My dad would have come to get me. He always did. He had arranged a friend who would drive up and pick us up. It sounded like the perfect plan. I would leave, run, run to my dad who was there for me. No plan, no reason other than, I was drinking and raging.

When it was time for me to leave where I was and return home, I was angry, ashamed, scared and so so tired. What have I done. Again. More broken promises. Another relapse.

When I walked in the door at 9am I was prepared for everything and nothing, but also prepared mindfully for my boyfriend to tell me and my kids to pack up and leave. I didn’t know where to hide, where to go, what to do. I actually grabbed a blanket and went to the high school up the street and layed on the ground right there with the traffic going by looking at this person on a hill with her blanket. I didn’t know what to do or where to go, My mind was drunk and full of hate, not for them but for me. How pathetic I had become. What an embarressment for my kids I was. Not only did their dad have an alcohol problem but now their mom too. I couldn’t be in my skin. I hated myself. I was not worthy to anyone. I wished I was dead.

I grabbed my blanket got up and walked back home. I went upstairs washed my face, went to the kitchen made a tea, grabbed my anti depressants, probably 60 tablets or so, put them all in my mouth and swallowed. I grabbed my tea and walked out the front door on my way to the hospital. The hospital was not around the corner, it was a few km from our house but I was determined and so desperate to escape, die, get help. It was time.

I stayed in the hospital for 5 days and walked through the doors of AA June 1st 2009 at 8pm. That was one of the things I had to do to start and repair my relationship with my boyfriend and kids as well as his.I couldn’t believe I was “one of them.” I fought it as I am sure we all do, we aren’t like these people, we aren’t as bad, we don’t drink like that. We are not alcoholic. We have this under control….. Until we don’t.

I fought this but continued to go, to listen and try to find some familiarity. I spoke of such with a lady in AA, she told me to stay and I would hear someone who was just like me. I did, it was I think my 6 month of sobriety and someone spoke of their journey and what do you know, she was a binger, not an everyday drinker, just a drinker who couldn’t stop at one.  Just. Like. Me. There it is, there it was, in my face. I am like these people, I am alcoholic, I have become powerless over alcohol, it consumed me, it was my priority when my kids, my boyfriend, my life should have been my priority. These people were my people. We are all the same just with different stories.

AA, my boyfriend and the love for my children and step-children, and myself, got me to give up drinking. They saved my life.Today is a very special day, it is not only my 17th year alcohol free, but my husband and I met 20 years ago on this day, and married 13 years ago on this day. May 25th is a day on the calender that makes me appreciate every stepping stone I took to get me here. It’s a day of rememberance. A day of joy. A day of resiliance, strength and freedom.

I feel blessed with the entire life I have had. I do not regret anything I have lived through. I have accepted people and things the way they are and have to be. I have learned so much about myself and the reasons why I had to go through what I went through to make me a better stronger person. To teach me that we can change how our life is, we can put things in the past, we can make a choice of the kind of life we want. We stop blaming, stop the pitty party, buckle up and get straight.

My name is Kelly and I am an alcohlic, and I am okay with that. I love my life alcohol free. I love the freedom. I love the love I now have for myself. I am powerless over alcohol but now, I have the power. I have the choice. I have it all.

This is, Being Me Sober

Leisure, Mental Health

What topics I like talking about…

beingmesober

What topics do you like to discuss?

My husband always says I talk a lot. I would say I’m a deep conversationalist and have to tell myself to hush at times. I analyze, hold eye contact and I listen but also like to have my say.

I enjoy talking about things I am confident and knowledgeable about. I also like talking or topics about things I’m curious about.

Sobriety is a topic I could talk about all day. There are so many other topics that lay in discussions involving addiction.

Astrology is fascinating to me. I’m always curious about all the crystals and the magic they can do.

Spirituality is another topic I could sit and chat about.

Topics get people talking which in turn gets people sharing and coming together. The more we talk the more we learn.

Knowledge is Power, Power is Knowledge. KP

##togetherwewin

Leisure

A risk I took that I don’t regret.

beingmesober

Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.

Would a blind date be a risk? I guess it was for me. What happens if it totally goes wrong, what if I really like him but he doesn’t like me?

My stepfather started talking about this gentleman shortly after I was separated from my ex. My stepfather kept asking if this person had called me yet. He was telling me how he would be perfect for me. Makes decent money and is raising his 2 daughter’s on his own.  I told him the last thing I need is a man in my life. I wanted to and had to concentrate on what I was doing, where I was going. I was emotionally unavailable, I wasn’t myself then. I was drinking and raising 2 young children.

2 years has gone by and my stepfather is still talking to me about this guy! He’s also talking too the gentleman about me, and asking if he’s called yet. My stepfather was determined for us to meet.

May 23 2006 my future husband called. He asked if I wanted to meet up for coffee. Of course we both felt obligated to go on the date so I said sure!

I was skeptical about him because he is in the financial industry and he is not someone that I typically go for. He is 10 years older than me which was a plus. More secure and knew what he wanted. But I had this image in my mind that he was a “Banker” I had an image of Mr. Cleaver in my mind. I thought he probably doesn’t even drink. Little did I know. Little did he know.

We went for a walk around the lake and to my surprise he asked if I wanted to go for a beer somewhere. Ohhhh wow! Okay, he does drink. Well ya! I responded. Luckily we had to drive home so we couldn’t stay long. He asked me if I wanted to go for dinner the following evening. I accepted. He was/is super nice, good looking and wants so many things that I want. What was really attractive was the fact he was raising 2 teenaged daughters on his own. He is an amazing father.

May 25 2026 will be 20 years we’ve been together! 13 years married and ironically it is also 17 years of sobriety for me. That determination my stepfather had I am extremely thankful and grateful for. He did more than set us up, he saved me in a way he never knew, I never knew. When we met for coffee that day it was the beginning of something so magical and heaven sent.

I took a risk that day by meeting someone totally out of character for me and it changed not only my life but my kids too. We had a lot of work ahead of us but we made it through. We have an amazing blended family with 7 grandchildren.

I will never regret saying yes to the “Banker”. Nor will I ever forget what these 2 men brought to my life 🙏❤️

Mental Health

The Break-Up

beingmesober

Hello fellow warrior’s! I hope you are all striving to be your best selves.

Breaking up, ugh the pain is horrible. Its never ending. The crippling anxiety and heartache. You question everything about yourself. Was it me? 🤔 You don’t think you’re ever going to have anything good in life.

Doesn’t that sound familiar? It’s the same as removing alcohol from your life. Having to be forced to be without something is going to make you grieve. It will be the same cycle as grief.

Your going to be accepting it at first, you’ll cry, or feel sad that you can no longer have this be a part of your life anymore. Then the anger sets in, and your pissed that you can’t drink! Everyone drinks! But not everyone drinks like us warrior’s do…not good! Then you feel little sputter flutters of happiness and literal excitement. You’re starting to feel proud of yourself and physically notice a difference. Your complexion is glowing, your eyes are sparkling and that smile is back and boy, do you look good!

These emotions were what I went through very early on in my first year of removing alcohol from my life. Breaking up is an example that I can use to explain to others when they are experiencing these outbursts of emotions and have no clue why.

These emotions we go through in recovery don’t last forever. You have to know it absolutely gets better. You’ve got to push through, surrounding yourself with good support groups. Take your time with yourself and most importantly, LOVE yourself.

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health, Stages

Turning Seventeen….again

beingmesober

I remember turning 17, 1987! I loved being 17. I’m not sure why but it just sounded older.  What a time to be growing up. When things were more simple, fun and felt so free. Generations before us use to say how simple life used to be. It truly was back in the “olden days.”

I’m coming up on my Seventeenth year of my sobriety journey. What an accomplishment I’ve made, together, with the ones who stayed.

So much has come from me letting go and  refusing to let alcohol run and ruin my life and those around me. I’ve developed really great relationships, I’ve been creating art for the last 7 years and selling a few pieces. I’ve learned how to set boundaries and deal with my emotions much better than I have even upto 2 years ago. I’m maturing lol. I’m valuing myself and my worth. If I don’t get the respect I deserve than they will have no place in my life. That, that was and is extremely difficult to do. Letting go of people you love to save yourself. Letting go of old patterns and old acceptances. Its just as difficult as getting clean or sober. But, one fact always remains, to better yourself you need to let go of things or people that no longer serve you.

Over the last 17 years really exciting things have happened in my life, I have 7, yes 7 grandchildren now, I’ve discovered Art, a creative skill I never knew I had, I am chasing my passions and attending college in May.

I have accepted things the way they are and the way they were. I don’t expect more from people than they can give. No more blame. I can take responsibility of the choices I made and can put them behind me. I am able to let go of the past.

I am at peace 🙏 and growing every year.

Happy Birthday to me and all my fellow warrior’s.

#togetherwewin