There were times I would pack my suitcase, grab a blanket and my dog and go to the kids high school and sleep. That was a place where I thought I could hide and get away from the shame and the embarrassment I felt after a night of binging and black-out. I can’t share with you exactly what I did because I only remember bits and pieces of the night. If I may add, they were enough for me to know I had a huge problem!
When I would run, which I always wanted to do, sober or intoxicated. I was really trying to run from myself, hide my shame of horrible things I did or said, run from the look on peoples faces, run from the horrible person I was. Running was my solution to everything. It was a defense mechanism to save myself the hurt and shame of losing it all. I felt like a useless mother, an undeserving mother, a useless and nothing to offer kind of girlfriend and person. The shame was excruciating.
I ran because I couldn’t face them. The sight of myself was disgusting so how could they ever want to be around me……this. I couldn’t handle them telling me what I had done, I don’t do those things when I am sober. I had to beg for forgiveness and promise things that I did not believe my self. I had to go back and make them believe that I do need them. I had to stop doing what I was doing, but how?
Even though I promised myself and my family I would keep it under control, I never could for very long. There was always something or someone doing or saying something that set me off on a tangent. Once I started I couldn’t stop either the booze or the consequence.
I can not go back and erase the things I did or said, but I can stay sober,to show them how much they mean to me and how I did not mean anything I did or said then, it just isn’t who I am.
Don’t be ashamed of your past, grow from it and make amends to yourself and all you have hurt. Face everything in life head on with grace and sobriety!
This is Being Me Sober