It is known in all of us. That voice that tells us we will be okay, if….
The voice that keeps us in the hell we are going through. The voice that tells you you can control it, this time. The voice that tells you it’s them that has a problem, not me.
How much I struggled with this voice in my early sobriety and how I had to fight with myself to say NO. We can convince ourselves of anything.
The reason we have such a hard time sustaining from any addiction is not only the environment or people we are around, but the mind. It’s the devil against the angel.
Until we sustain abstinence from the drug of choice for a long period of time we can not see the beauty of having a life without it.
It took me many attempts at quitting the booze but not long enough to see the outcome of sustaining. Until I had the ultimatum of losing everything that is so important to me. I knew I was hurting not only myself but my children and everyone and thing around me. What kind of example was I setting for them. How could I be anything to them if I wasn’t functioning at my best. I was being looked at like a drunk, a person who had a lot of baggage. People asked my husband why he stayed with me. His response, “Kelly is a great person when she is sober.” He could see the good I had in me when I couldn’t.
I was trapped between letting go of the “baggage” or keep chugging away on my pity party train. Never did I feel sorry for myself but I had to release all the hurt and pain I had been carrying since I was 4 years old. The only time I could release that pain and talk about it was when I was drinking and felt that strength from the bottle. Everything from my past would surface and that is when I wanted to talk. If I didn’t get the attention I thought I deserved well, out came the rage and hatred for the people who did me wrong. The devil was poking his head out and giving them a taste of what they all deserved.
Today I do not listen to that voice, as a matter of fact the devil has left the building. It no longer torments me to give in to the drink when things go array, I can function and communicate without substance being the instigator. I have the power of my mind and what I choose to keep in my vault of thinking and what I choose to remember, think about and focus on. I can now sort through the issues I have or had with my past without my mind racing a mile a minute and reaching for my bottle to get me through the chaos. Life throws us into a loop sometimes and we don’t always know how to deal with it. But using to get through is NOT the answer. It makes things so much worse and you end up feeling worse then when you started out. Life becomes distorted and confusing.
The saying is “mind over matter.” It is just that. Take the matter at hand and think of better solutions to help you get through. Don’t listen to the voice that tells you to drink or use to get the answer or to feel better. Be your best and you will have the best.
Put the devil to bed and say goodbye to that voice that holds you back.
One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Quiet your mind if just for a moment.
This is, Being Me Sober