Let’s face it, when we start drinking no matter what age, we do it because we see our parents doing it or we have a friend that gets access to it and we do it together. Some of us can have no desire to drink and some like us, it’s the taste of a whole different path we drank our way into. We of course didn’t intend it to work out the way it did. We had no idea what was ahead of us.
I think I was about 15, 16 when I had my first taste of alcohol. I went through high school going to all the parties and had parties at my home. Normal teenage experiencing and living out the best years of our life.
I got married at 22 and had my first child just 3 months shy of my 23rd birthday. I had my second child at 25. My life was happy and my main focus was my children, my family. I was able to stay at home with my children throughout their childhood. In year 2002 I started my own residential cleaning company so I could still be there for my kids. I was succcessful at being a mother and running my own company for over 12 years. But things started to change and the alcohol started to take control because of the abusive marriage I was “stuck” in. I had issues from my childhood that I never dealt with because I put them in the back of my mind and didn’t know how to deal with them. I saw therapists seeking help but never gave up the alcohol.
I had become delusional, blaming other people for my black out rages. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t acting out for nothing, I was releasing all the hurt, all the secrets, all the abuse I had seen and lived through since I was 4 until I was 34 years old and, when I drank it surfaced. Little by little, piece by piece, rage after rage. Until I had a break down and was forced to look at myself and give it one last try. I had to, I had children and a man who changed my world.
When our drinking morphs us into someone people don’t recognize anymore, it leaves us and others with questions. We start to make excuses, we become delusional as to why we chose to act the way we did or why we have to drink so much. Funny thing is, we didn’t know the answer to those questions either. Those are the questions we were asking ourselves.
I will share with you my thoughts about why I thought, or what I chose to tell people what caused my black out rage episodes and what I tried to do to stop the rage and black outs so I could keep drinking.
* I didn’t eat before I drank.
* I had a bad day.
* I was fine, they were the ones who made me lose my shit!
* It’s the wine, I will dilute it.
* It’s the beer, I will dilute it.
* I swore off liquor because it was to strong.
There are a lot more excuses and tactics our minds let us believe when we know we have a problem and aren’t ready to give it up.
In all honesty, the only thing we are diluting is our mind into delusion.
This is, Being Me Sober