Bringing Her Home…..

It was a typical morning, I got up, brushed my teeth, fed the dog, grabbed a coffee and my phone. I always check my messages to make sure everything is okay with the kids. Even though they are all grown adults over 25, I still worry, especially because one of my daughters has a severe drinking problem, so being away from her was difficult and I was always on edge of what was going to happen. When the bottom would hit and how awful would it be. No matter what we did, she just wouldn’t, couldn’t see that her drinking was a death sentence for her if she continued down this road. I know that road, mine wasn’t as dangerous as her’s has been though.

It was December 3rd 2022 when I saw a message from our son to call ASAP. My heart dropped, oh God, I thought, what’s happened?

My son asked if I was sitting down, and if my husband was still sleeping? I asked what was wrong, please just tell me. He then proceeded to tell me that our daughter and her friend took our car out and totaled it. She and her friend are fine, but she is at the police station being charged with multiple charges including a DUI.

OMG, oh no, no, no!!!!! I started to shake and feel like I was going to be sick. This cannot be happening.

So many things were running through my head. Is she okay, what the hell did she do, why, why, why? All these thoughts kept coming to my mind. She may be suicidal, putting myself in her shoes. I need to get a flight home. I need to be there. My husband will leave me. He’s probably had enough of us. My past with my drinking, before I got sober. The on going battle we’ve had for the last 11 years of our daughters drinking. He doesn’t have to put up with this, he’s not her biological father, he doesn’t have to do this any longer. She and her friend just wrote off his BMW. He’s going to leave us. I’m going to lose my daughter to addiction.

Those were the constant thoughts going through my head. I had nightmares for months. I was lost and did not know what to do or where to turn. Who can help us? Now I’m on the other end of addiction. I’m facing the battle that so many tried to help me with. How can I save her? Pray, Lots of prayers and determination.

That morning I was able to speak to her and she was still drunk and unreasonable as we all are in that state. We had her brother and boyfriend and best friend go to check on her to make sure she wouldn’t do anything to harm herself.

She ended up packing her bags and leaving. She ran, like I did, like we all do when we are faced to look at the damage we’ve done not only to ourselves but to other people, family, and friends. We can never face the damage, shame, or quilt, we face every morning after a bender or just a simple night. We stay in this bubble of guilt and shame. For some, we face it or we continue to destroy our lives and others around us.

Her brother gave up on her as well as her best friend, and yes we gave her the ultimatum to stop drinking or she’d be out of the family. We couldn’t do this anymore. We had to do something dramatic in hopes she would realize what she’s losing. Her family, her stepsisters who are closer than any blood sister, her friends, and possibly her life, everything that mattered.

She continued to drink and move from house to house. She had gone back to her toxic boyfriend because she had nowhere else to go and refused to give in and get sober. I would have endless talks with her trying to explain the road ahead if she continued.

Being away for the winter, I realized there was nothing I could do being at home that I couldn’t do from where I was. It was a realization that I had to come too that no matter what I said or did, NOTHING was going to work until she was ready to make the decision herself. I know that, but when you’re fighting for your loved one you try everything in your power to help until we cannot.

I had to disengage myself from my daughter. I had to turn away and shut off my feelings for my sobriety and mental health. She was killing me. My nerves, my mind was not shutting off. I had to walk away. I had to let her figure this out on her own and pray she made it out alive, and I had to take care of myself and my family.

It was the long weekend in July 2023 when my daughter commented, I love you mom, to one of my social stories. I told her I loved her too and left it at that. She is used to us, calling and asking where she is, how she is, etc but not now. She was missing that. No communication from her family was getting to her. Later that evening I started small talk, I asked her where she was and she told me somewhere in Orillia. She didn’t know the person she was staying with and had nowhere to go, she was scared. I asked her if she needed a ride somewhere and she said yes.

When I showed up at this person’s house she came out with her bag and the clothes on her back. No phone, no wallet, nothing but her. Her teeth were yellow and her face was broken out so bad, she was so unhealthy. That was okay, I had her now. I had a lot of decisions to make with what happened next. Remembering what my doctor told me that there was nothing I could do for her but waiting for her to come to terms with her addiction. Deep breathes and cool heads. I needed to stay calm.

We went to another place to retrieve her cell phone, which was a shabby old trailer in someones yard. She then told me her ex gave everything she owned to Value Village. We made our way over to his place to confirm that he actually did throw her things away, to find his father and him waiting in the driveway. She asked me to wait in the car while she spoke to them. I tried until I saw his father laughing and saying he took her things there himself. I couldn’t believe what they did. How could his family after 7 years do that to her. That’s when I lost it and got out of the vehicle and questioned why they would do that, I thought they loved her as a daughter. I also thought this is the consequence of her choices. Going back to a dangerously abusive toxic boyfriend.

I was livid now as we left their house. I pulled over and looked at her and said, “If you ever take one sip of fucking alcohol you are OUT of this family for good!!! Do you realize the state of your life?” Possibly another DUI, multiple charges along with that, a chance of going to jail, maybe never traveling to the US, a felony charge, so many things hung in the balance. Every ounce of me was fighting back tears and anger built up over the last 11 years and it was at the brim. The car was silent as we continued home.

We arrived home to see my husband and discuss what the next steps were. We had already discussed the options for her. There was no way she could go back to her bio father because he’s a severe alcoholic and his place is not safe. We decided to ask her if she was willing to be in rehab at home for a year. She would be under strict rules and no freedom to do as she pleases. If she was ready and willing to get sober then she could stay here in her home, her safe place. I would attend all of her court dates and we would get through. She is here and alive, we can deal with what happens. It’s been quite a time. Watching her come back to life, get her priorities straight again. She cut off all of the “friends” she thought she had, only to realize that they were going nowhere fast. Her boyfriend stayed with her and is an amazing man. They managed to work through all of the issues and he now sees the real person, the strongest, the sweetest person she is. A really good friend came and gave her clothes. Her and her brother have a great relationship now and her world is clearer.

I am so proud of my daughter and her strength and determination that I knew she had in her. She had to surrender and finally acknowledge the drink was more powerful and she had lost all control.

There was a lot of talk, tears, and shock from my end as to how bad she was into the addiction to not just alcohol but to coke and started dabbing into Xanax. She had been on a month bender with her ex and that’s when she said she finally saw she would die if she didn’t go home. She was scared and ready. We were scared and ready. I needed my baby girl home with me so I could mend her and bring her back to who she is. A beautiful, talented, funny, and caring woman.

In July of this year (2024) she hit her one year of sobriety. Man what a milestone! In that time one of her friends OD’d and passed away and a week later her ex OD’d and died. It hit her as well as us like a ton of bricks. They dated for 7 years, although not always toxic, they did have a good relationship at some point, but it really hit home for her she told me. It really scared her and made her realize just how much they were all playing with death. She made it out, I knew she would have been one of those taken from addiction if she didn’t give in to the disease of addiction.

I am so grateful and happy that I still have my daughter today but it kills me to see all of these young kids and adults getting involved with drugs and alcohol today. The access to these are so easy and freely available. How? How did we get here? What is it going to take to make these people realize that they are playing with death? It will happen to them, it will fall, one day, just when, is the question.

As a parent who knows what addiction is and what it can do to yourself, your family, friends etc, and being in my 15th year of sobriety I was clueless when it came to my own child. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I consulted my family doctor for answers, I read stories, I You Tubed mothers of addicted children. I was lost just as much as my daughter was.

If you as a parent or friend find yourself in this struggle, do whatever you can to get them home to get them straight but don’t lose yourselves in the process. We must stay strong for when they do come home it won’t be easy or even work, but we must help! We as a society have to keep talking, keep sharing and be there for one another. Tough love is extremley difficult and hurts us just as much if not more than the person we are toughing it out with. It’s a double edge sword, damn if you do and damn if you don’t. Go with your heart, ask questions, ask for HELP.

I hope this has reached someone who needed it today. We are not alone in this battle. Reach out and never be ashamed to talk about it. Alcoholism and drug addiction is a real disease, we must fight until the end.

This is Being Me Sober

One Year Later