You have three magic genie wishes, what are you asking for?
My 1st wish would be, one that I always pray for is winning the lottery so, we could give our kids a home to raise their families in. My children have surpassed my age when I became a homeowner. It’s so difficult for young people to own their own home.
My 2nd wish would be to take away all the drugs, hard drugs that are killing our youth.
My 3rd wish would be for my other 2 wishes to come true.
Good morning fellow warriors! Today I’d like to talk about Cannabis and the skepticism and controversy behind it.
The first time I tried Cannabis I was in high school, like some of us and for some maybe earlier in life or for some maybe none at all.
Once out of high school I rarely if ever touched cannabis, until I quit drinking and my girlfriend asked me if I wanted to share a joint. I was very scared at first because I didn’t want to become addicted to it or feel the need to have or crave it like I did with alcohol. Of course I smoked it, I’m not a stranger to it and I was 41 years old and had 2 years of sobriety from alcohol under my belt.
I’m 54 now and have been smoking cannabis since I was 41. I have the knowledge and experience to share the huge difference between the effects of alcohol and the effects of cannabis. Let me tell you what a difference it is!
If you are a newcomer to my page or a continued reader you will know the struggles I had with alcohol. Let me share again.
I was a binge drinker with blackout episodes and I wanted to party or rage all night long. Like they say in AA, One drink, One drunk. How true. We put that drink to our mouth and in a couple of hours we are a totally different person. I didn’t commit to what I would say to myself, keep it cool tonight, or I shouldn’t drink. There was no reasoning with myself because alcohol had taken over any reasoning I could have had. I made a mess of my relationships. I left scars on people who cared for me. I scared people to the point of them being afraid of me. I’m 5’2″ 130 lbs, how could they be afraid of me? I wouldn’t hurt anyone, when I drank to blackout rage I guess I would be afraid too. The worst and best thing about blackouts is we don’t remember what we did or said. Is that good or bad? Both. It’s hard not having clarity and listening to the people tell you what you are like when in that state because that is not the person you truly are when present. We try to understand and wonder why we get to this point. I know why I would blackout. I was terrified of being abandoned, as I had been for years on and off by my mom starting at the age of 8, I was traumatized as a child living in an abusive home, I had an unconscious terror of men, I had been kicked out at the age of 18, not for being bad or in trouble, but because I was in the way of my then step-mothers plans to have a new life and not have me tag along. I married a man who had become extremely alcoholic and abusive to me, our son and daughter. I managed to escape the marriage after 12 years. But, I was a mess! I was lost and felt so alone.
Drinking didn’t solve anything but make everything worse. There was no proper thought to why my parents did what they did, only blame. I was always depressed and my happiness was only temporary, and in general I am a very happy person even with all the shit life has thrown my way. Alcohol almost destroyed me and everyone around me.
Now I can safely say having cannabis in my life has been a game changer. It helps with my mood, my creativity, my traumas, and my understanding. Cannabis allows me to be calm, leveled out and controls my need to be doing something every minute of the day. I have ADD, my mother told me I was diagnosed when I was a child. I didn’t know until I was in my 40’s that I was diagnosed with that condition which explained a lot. I actually just watched a podcast about ADD but that is for another blog, but it was fascinating what I learned from it and makes total sense.
The effects of cannabis are no comparison to alcohol or any hard drug out there. I am assuming because I have never tried anything other than cannabis. From what I have learned and seen or heard from my adult children cannabis shouldn’t even be considered a comparison to other drugs. It is used in so many medicinal forms as a treatment. I’ve never heard of coke or heroin being in that spectrum. Yes, these are available in pharmaceutical form but are still extremely addictive and life threatening.
Cannabis is not an addictive substance, it can become habit forming but you never get the withdrawals or urges to have it NOW as you would with alcohol. I can go on a vacation knowing I won’t be able to smoke and I am okay with that whereas alcohol, not being able to have it, no way would I have gone anywhere. I can go to bed at a decent hour, like 8pm, lol. There are no more regrets in the morning, no shame, just clarity. I can talk nicely and have good conversations with people, I remember everything. I am present and my mood is balanced. If my meds aren’t quite working the way they should on some days and my hormones act up due to my depression I will have a little toke and I am leveled out. I don’t have the urge to stay up all night, call people to let them know what I really think or how they betrayed me. I am not making a mess everywhere I go. I can still participate in activities where everyone around me is drinking and I have my little stash to ward off the intrusive thoughts that come with being an alcoholic and having to still live in a world where alcohol is so widely acceptable and in every corner you turn.
When people say cannabis is the gateway to harmful other drugs, I have to disagree with that statement. It is all in the circumstances some will turn to harder drugs. Look deeper. Who do they associate with? Where do they live? What is their family situation? Those are all factors of underlying issues to be addressed when they say cannabis is a gateway to harder drugs. Never once have I thought of doing heroin or coke because of cannabis. I may have thoughts about drinking that pass in a second but never to explore the dangers of those actual extremely dangerous drugs.
I’ve wanted to talk about this before it became legal in Ontario, but that was a risk. Exposing myself to doing illegal activity. I wanted to share how much cannabis has helped me. Being in Menopause and having cannabis is very helpful for my moods like I said. But it has also helped with my sobriety from alcohol believe it or not.
I always had a hard time saying I was sober because I smoked. Even though we refer sober to alcohol and clean to drugs, it still felt awkward saying I was sober. It felt like I was lying to myself and others. Until my daughter said one day, “Look mom, this girl is Cali-Sober” which means sober from alcohol but a cannabis smoker. Cali comes from California, where cannabis first became legal. Oh My God I thought, that’s awesome! I finally have a name for myself and I love California so how fitting is that! The first thing I thought was, Oh i’m so doing a blog about this and I got to use the line the other day when we were at our favorite hang out with my tea. She asked if it was really tea in there, I get that all the time, Yes, I said, I’m Cali_Sober haha! Yay! I got to use my handle, “Cali-Sober”. You’d be shocked at the amount of people who actually enjoy a J (joint) here and there and respond with a, Oh cool! It’s freeing actually to have a name for what you do and don’t have people or yourself telling you you aren’t “sober”. Sober is what ever you think is your sober. No one else gets to tell you what it is or what it should be. If it works for you in a good way then go for it. No judgement.
So in a nut shell cannabis has been good for me, may not be good for all but it works for me and that’s all that matters, It doesn’t negatively effect my friends or family, it doesn’t make me feel worthless or angry. Cannabis doesn’t interfere with my life or my husband’s or children’s life. It keeps me present and level. It boosts my serotonin when lacking. It helps my creativity and keeps me busy. Cannabis motivates me and lets me see things in a more passionate way, it lets me deep think without the rage and anger. It lets me feel like I still fit in and am able to still “party” because that’s my personality. I love a great party but who wants to be blackout and unaware. I know my limit and I stay in it. I know when I’ve had enough. I can go to bed.
I am prepared for negative feedback. It’s okay. I welcome feedback and discussion. This is what works for me and my time here on earth. Do what works for you, no one else.
This Is Being Me Sober….
The Day She Came Home
It was a typical morning, I got up, brushed my teeth, fed the dog, grabbed a coffee and my phone. I always check my messages to make sure everything is okay with the kids. Even though they are all grown adults over 25, I still worry, especially because one of my daughters has a severe drinking problem, so being away from her was difficult and I was always on edge of what was going to happen. When the bottom would hit and how awful would it be. No matter what we did, she just wouldn’t, couldn’t see that her drinking was a death sentence for her if she continued down this road. I know that road, mine wasn’t as dangerous as her’s has been though.
It was December 3rd 2022 when I saw a message from our son to call ASAP. My heart dropped, oh God, I thought, what’s happened?
My son asked if I was sitting down, and if my husband was still sleeping? I asked what was wrong, please just tell me. He then proceeded to tell me that our daughter and her friend took our car out and totaled it. She and her friend are fine, but she is at the police station being charged with multiple charges including a DUI.
OMG, oh no, no, no!!!!! I started to shake and feel like I was going to be sick. This cannot be happening.
So many things were running through my head. Is she okay, what the hell did she do, why, why, why? All these thoughts kept coming to my mind. She may be suicidal, putting myself in her shoes. I need to get a flight home. I need to be there. My husband will leave me. He’s probably had enough of us. My past with my drinking, before I got sober. The on going battle we’ve had for the last 11 years of our daughters drinking. He doesn’t have to put up with this, he’s not her biological father, he doesn’t have to do this any longer. She and her friend just wrote off his BMW. He’s going to leave us. I’m going to lose my daughter to addiction.
Those were the constant thoughts going through my head. I had nightmares for months. I was lost and did not know what to do or where to turn. Who can help us? Now I’m on the other end of addiction. I’m facing the battle that so many tried to help me with. How can I save her? Pray, Lots of prayers and determination.
That morning I was able to speak to her and she was still drunk and unreasonable as we all are in that state. We had her brother and boyfriend and best friend go to check on her to make sure she wouldn’t do anything to harm herself.
She ended up packing her bags and leaving. She ran, like I did, like we all do when we are faced to look at the damage we’ve done not only to ourselves but to other people, family, and friends. We can never face the damage, shame, or quilt, we face every morning after a bender or just a simple night. We stay in this bubble of guilt and shame. For some, we face it or we continue to destroy our lives and others around us.
Her brother gave up on her as well as her best friend, and yes we gave her the ultimatum to stop drinking or she’d be out of the family. We couldn’t do this anymore. We had to do something dramatic in hopes she would realize what she’s losing. Her family, her stepsisters who are closer than any blood sister, her friends, and possibly her life, everything that mattered.
She continued to drink and move from house to house. She had gone back to her toxic boyfriend because she had nowhere else to go and refused to give in and get sober. I would have endless talks with her trying to explain the road ahead if she continued.
Being away for the winter, I realized there was nothing I could do being at home that I couldn’t do from where I was. It was a realization that I had to come too that no matter what I said or did, NOTHING was going to work until she was ready to make the decision herself. I know that, but when you’re fighting for your loved one you try everything in your power to help until we cannot.
I had to disengage myself from my daughter. I had to turn away and shut off my feelings for my sobriety and mental health. She was killing me. My nerves, my mind was not shutting off. I had to walk away. I had to let her figure this out on her own and pray she made it out alive, and I had to take care of myself and my family.
It was the long weekend in July 2023 when my daughter commented, I love you mom, to one of my social stories. I told her I loved her too and left it at that. She is used to us, calling and asking where she is, how she is, etc but not now. She was missing that. No communication from her family was getting to her. Later that evening I started small talk, I asked her where she was and she told me somewhere in Orillia. She didn’t know the person she was staying with and had nowhere to go, she was scared. I asked her if she needed a ride somewhere and she said yes.
When I showed up at this person’s house she came out with her bag and the clothes on her back. No phone, no wallet, nothing but her. Her teeth were yellow and her face was broken out so bad, she was so unhealthy. That was okay, I had her now. I had a lot of decisions to make with what happened next. Remembering what my doctor told me that there was nothing I could do for her but waiting for her to come to terms with her addiction. Deep breathes and cool heads. I needed to stay calm.
We went to another place to retrieve her cell phone, which was a shabby old trailer in someones yard. She then told me her ex gave everything she owned to Value Village. We made our way over to his place to confirm that he actually did throw her things away, to find his father and him waiting in the driveway. She asked me to wait in the car while she spoke to them. I tried until I saw his father laughing and saying he took her things there himself. I couldn’t believe what they did. How could his family after 7 years do that to her. That’s when I lost it and got out of the vehicle and questioned why they would do that, I thought they loved her as a daughter. I also thought this is the consequence of her choices. Going back to a dangerously abusive toxic boyfriend.
I was livid now as we left their house. I pulled over and looked at her and said, “If you ever take one sip of fucking alcohol you are OUT of this family for good!!! Do you realize the state of your life?” Possibly another DUI, multiple charges along with that, a chance of going to jail, maybe never traveling to the US, a felony charge, so many things hung in the balance. Every ounce of me was fighting back tears and anger built up over the last 11 years and it was at the brim. The car was silent as we continued home.
We arrived home to see my husband and discuss what the next steps were. We had already discussed the options for her. There was no way she could go back to her bio father because he’s a severe alcoholic and his place is not safe. We decided to ask her if she was willing to be in rehab at home for a year. She would be under strict rules and no freedom to do as she pleases. If she was ready and willing to get sober then she could stay here in her home, her safe place. I would attend all of her court dates and we would get through. She is here and alive, we can deal with what happens. It’s been quite a time. Watching her come back to life, get her priorities straight again. She cut off all of the “friends” she thought she had, only to realize that they were going nowhere fast. Her boyfriend stayed with her and is an amazing man. They managed to work through all of the issues and he now sees the real person, the strongest, the sweetest person she is. A really good friend came and gave her clothes. Her and her brother have a great relationship now and her world is clearer.
I am so proud of my daughter and her strength and determination that I knew she had in her. She had to surrender and finally acknowledge the drink was more powerful and she had lost all control.
There was a lot of talk, tears, and shock from my end as to how bad she was into the addiction to not just alcohol but to coke and started dabbing into Xanax. She had been on a month bender with her ex and that’s when she said she finally saw she would die if she didn’t go home. She was scared and ready. We were scared and ready. I needed my baby girl home with me so I could mend her and bring her back to who she is. A beautiful, talented, funny, and caring woman.
In July of this year (2024) she hit her one year of sobriety. Man what a milestone! In that time one of her friends OD’d and passed away and a week later her ex OD’d and died. It hit her as well as us like a ton of bricks. They dated for 7 years, although not always toxic, they did have a good relationship at some point, but it really hit home for her she told me. It really scared her and made her realize just how much they were all playing with death. She made it out, I knew she would have been one of those taken from addiction if she didn’t give in to the disease of addiction.
I am so grateful and happy that I still have my daughter today but it kills me to see all of these young kids and adults getting involved with drugs and alcohol today. The access to these are so easy and freely available. How? How did we get here? What is it going to take to make these people realize that they are playing with death? It will happen to them, it will fall, one day, just when, is the question.
As a parent who knows what addiction is and what it can do to yourself, your family, friends etc, and being in my 15th year of sobriety I was clueless when it came to my own child. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I consulted my family doctor for answers, I read stories, I You Tubed mothers of addicted children. I was lost just as much as my daughter was.
If you as a parent or friend find yourself in this struggle, do whatever you can to get them home to get them straight but don’t lose yourselves in the process. We must stay strong for when they do come home it won’t be easy or even work, but we must help! We as a society have to keep talking, keep sharing and be there for one another. Tough love is extremley difficult and hurts us just as much if not more than the person we are toughing it out with. It’s a double edge sword, damn if you do and damn if you don’t. Go with your heart, ask questions, ask for HELP.
I hope this has reached someone who needed it today. We are not alone in this battle. Reach out and never be ashamed to talk about it. Alcoholism and drug addiction is a real disease, we must fight until the end.
This is Being Me Sober
One Year Later
Being Me Sober 