Hello fellow warrior’s! I hope you are all striving to be your best selves!
I’d like to talk about the other side of addiction. The ones looking in and watching their loved ones struggle with alcohol, drugs or any addiction.
I come from a long line of alcohol abuse and have suffered myself with alcohol and I’ve also been on the recieving end of the abuse that comes with alcohol abuse for some.
When I knew I wanted children and had my 2, alcohol abuse was never on my radar. I concentrated on raising them to be a good person, well mannered, good in school and have a successful career. Like we all want for our children. To lead a productive healthy life. To be better than we were. To learn from our mistakes.
I was always open with my children about drugs and the dangers of them. I also spoke to them about drinking and driving. To call home if they needed a ride or they were in trouble, but I never thought about the risk of them becoming alcoholics themselves. I was not in reccovery at the time so I was just as naive as they were. I didn’t quite understand fully the risks of inherited trauma based addiction. It was the blind leading the blind.
Fast forward, I am now 17.5 years alcohol free. I’ve never done hard drugs just the odd joint here and there. I was ignorant and blinded to the amount of drugs, hard drugs, that were being done by teenagers in schools and the street. I never thought my kids would do that. I didn’t, so why would they? I have warned them of the consequences of cocain and other harsh life taking drugs. I did my best to be open and keep the lines of communication open.
I was always hard on my son thinking he would be like his father. So terrified and for that I was very hard on him. I had to be the dad he never had. Playing both roles as mother and father. My daughter was so good in school, she never gave me a hard time, never spoke back to me. she was independant and just a good kid until it started when she was 15. The drinking. The blackout episodes. The pot, the cocain. The lies and the terror I started to realize.
I was told by people it’s just high school, her age, she will grow out of it. I knew deep down that she had an issue. My intuition was on high. I had been alcohol free for a couple of years then and had much more knowledge of addiction and the actions of people that go with it. The lies, the hiding, and the unsettled feeling that something is so wrong.
Today my son is 33 and has 3 kids and a successful business. He went through his time of drinking and came to the realization that nothing good comes with it, just problems and he’d probably end up alone if he continued. We had many, many talks about what he was doing and how he was choosing to spend his free time. How the alcohol was affecting him, his children and his wife and of course his business, his friends and us. I know he may choose to have a beer again but I hope he doesn’t. I hope all the talks and what he has seen in his life, like his father, his grandfather and me, that nothing good comes out of drinking. I hope he goes long enough to see what a great life it is to be alcohol free. No more shame, regret and explanations.
My daughter is 30 and struggling. We are all struggling. I am not confident that she has stayed straight. It is hard to beleive her when she tells me where she’s been. Everything has a question mark. Did she go to AA or is she appeasing me to do what she wants? When she doesn’t come home at night my mind always goes to her being in jail or worse, dead. Then she will walk through the door or calls, and all my anxiety washes away, but underneath I’m angry, I am scared and I am left with wonder. I want to beleive her and support her but it is very difficult. I am lost and don’t know what to do. When she tells me she is somewhere do I drive and check up on her? Do I ask her to leave her home because she is causing so much uneasiness and tension? How can I ask her to leave when she doesn’t make enough to even survive on her own. I can’t give up and I can’t give up on her, what if I’m wrong and too controlling. All these questions constantly going through my mind until I know she is safe and home in her bed at night.
PTSD! That is what is happening on the other side of addiction. The ones helping the other to get straight. This is what we are left with. Their car isn’t in the driveway, oh god, did she get a dui, did she have an accident, did she do coke and die, did someone kidnap her when she was blackout? Waiting for the door to open and they come through with a big hello! Waiting for the phone call that says, I am okay. Waiting for the unknown number or the knock on the door from the police. Waiting, waiting for the shoe to drop because every time they leave we are asking ourselves what are they really doing?
My daughter has been through a lot during her addiction. Some unbelievable things that I won’t tell the world. That’s her story to tell. I will say to all addicted or on the other side, this is hard on you and us. It leaves scars that remain forever. I know I have left scars and for that I am truly sorry and have come to terms with it and made ammends and prayed for forgiveness.
For those who think we just aren’t affected by their addiction you’re very wrong. Your addiction affects everyone that cares for you. We may seem like we got this but on the inside we are screaming for the confirmation that everything is okay. We want out as much as you do. We want everything we wished for you since the day you were born.
The only way we can help each other is through honesty, communication and commitment. Going deeper into your addiction other than just dropping the drug and moving on. There are other underlying issues that contribute to addiction. Mental health, trauma, rejection, etc. We need to explore every avenue of getting into our brains to help us function and be more balanced to understand the why. My daughter has started medication for ADHD which can be a contributer to her addiction and why she can’t escape this hell. I hope it helps and I hope it makes her feel more settled. I hope she sees the value that she has to the world and I hope she helps herself more than she helps others right now. She ignores her own respinsibilities and does for others what she should be doing for herself.
The one question I always have in my mind is, “Is it my fault? Did I contributer to this, Was I not there for her?” NO! No it is not my fault, I did not make this happen, I was and am there for her. That is a natural question or wonder we have. We blame ourselves when something is wrong with our children. Not one parent is perfect, we all make mistakes. We have to know this is their path and their own acceptance of the disease and it’s up to them to make the choice to change.
The ones struggling, you are not alone. The ones on the other side, you are not alone. Yet we feel so alone, like we are the only ones going through this. There are so many struggling today but together we can share and talk about what we are going through and get support so we don’t feel alone. Let’s rally up and get through this together. #togetherwewin
This is, Being Me Sober.
