Author: beingmesober

I forgive you for the fear you instilled in me at 4 years old

I forgive you for the insecurities you gave me

I forgive you for the way you have treated women

I forgive you for leaving our family for a new one

I forgive you for not being the man I thought you were

I forgive you for doubting me

I forgive you for all the times I was lost and you weren’t there for me

I forgive you for not being there for my children

I forgive you for hurting me

I forgive you for being a coward

I forgive you because this is who you are

I forgive you

-KP 2017

This is, Being Me Sober

There are so many emotions I went through in the beginning of this amazing journey. Some of them being, what will people think of me, what will they say, will they like me, and so on.  That and other thoughts ran through my mind when I decided to get sober.

I will admit I am not really a normal recovering alcoholic because I still love going to bars, mind you, they need to be of my taste, not some old, hole in the wall. I prefer a pub, a beach bar etc. I still have so much fun, I love all the people, the music and the atmosphere. It also reminds me again of why I don’t drink but can be quite comical or very sad at times too.

My husband and I have a place in Florida and there is a bar at the beach we go to, see our friends and hang out for a couple hours. I can leave if I want, if it gets to much, so I have an escape outlet, or we just leave when I’m ready.  We’ve met some really great people there. They know I don’t drink and I have had many compliments, given mini counselling sessions, and some people that ask why I am there if i don’t drink.

We went yesterday to celebrate New Year’s Day and watch the football game with some friends. While I was standing there a gentleman that I’ve seen a few times, said hello, that kind of thing. He comes over and shakes our hands and says Happy New Year then puts his arm around me and says, “Your my idol,” “oh, why’s that?” I ask, (geez, I don’t even know his name!!) he then says, “I’ve been watching you you know and I have to say, it is absolutely amazing that you come here and never have even one drink, one sip! You are always so happy and full of life”. “Awe, well I said, my family is why I don’t drink, they are what’s important than anything else in this world.” He continues, “You are a special lady and I wish I could do what you have done, cheers to you!”

I was so amazed that someone would come up to me and share what he thinks of me or see’s when I am there, or what other’s may see or think when they see “me”. Maybe nothing all, but it’s okay.

My husband was and is so proud of me and he told me as much yesterday. He continues to be the centre and reason for my sobriety as well as our children and of course myself.

I wanted to share this to let people know who are struggling or doubting that there is such a wonderful NEW life waiting for you, just keep going.

The next time you wonder “what do they think”,  remember this somewhat stranger and his words. YOU are amazing and so worth it and so is what’s ahead for you and me!

This is, Being Me Sober

Phew, talk about going out with a bang! The last 3 months, of my 7 years and 7 months, has rewarded me with just a few of these:  more strength than I gave myself credit for, more patient, and how to be silent,it helped me see things a whole lot clearer, which btw, the clear part has been there for a while, I guess it’s more like confirmation of my feelings and doubts that I had , was I making the right choices and decisions for all involved. I proved to myself by their actions that I have made the right choices and decision. It has been extremely difficult, but I pushed through, sober. I’m fortunate now at this point of my journey, that I don’t think of dealing with the issues by having a drink, it’s actually the farthest thing from my mind. Reason being? The whole issue itself is because of alcohol! Ya, I also chose to get out of that circus ring and stop the cycle. Anyhow, we’ve had a few more hiccups in the road that we have been dealing with again, because of alcohol, this time it’s our children. They are grown adults who made bad choices when intoxicated. We will all as a strong family push through, sober.

So, to sum it up, when I look back at 2016, the only really testy, emotional ride was the last 3 months of the year. Could of been at least not so BAM, BAM, BAM! Yes, I am aware things come in 3’s but seriously! All kidding aside,  I am grateful for my struggles and accomplishments, I now have the strength and expertise and a wonderful husband to help on advising our children about the affects of alcohol and how it rips family’s and people apart.

I would like to make a toast,

To my husband for being the best man in the world.

To my children, all 4, (we’re a blended family) I thank you and wish you much success and all your dreams fulfilled.

To all close to me and our family, Happy New Years we love you all.

Happy New Year to all of the great bloggers out there!

Cheers,

This is, Being Me Sober

Merry Christmas to all who are reading and blogging!

New Years Eve is fast approaching and some of you may be going through the Holiday Season for your first time or maybe it’s your 100th, no matter, it’s hard at times for all of us. It doesn’t always come down to missing the drink or drug, it could be the people or places your used to being with or visiting.

I try too take time to be alone with my thoughts and remember the good times but also remember why it has to be the way it is. Work through it in your mind, don’t retrace to much or think to much. Remember now how happy you have been since you have decided to stop the cycle of torture on yourself, even if they are minut, small milestones, think of good things. It’s a New Year. It’s time for a New You!

So, here are some pointers for you to think about doing to help you get through New Years without a drink or drug on your mind or in your hand.

• Take some time as I said above, make a plan and stick to it.
• Go shopping, or ask a friend if you can raid her closet for a knock out outfit. Come on ladies, you need to Glam it up!
• Think of your favorite refreshing non-alcoholic drink, one you can stand to drink all night. Make sure wherever you are going can supply you with what you want or bring your own.
• Drink your drink of choice in a glass you would normally use to drink out of, that way it stops people from questioning “why” your not drinking.
• Have a plan of exit if you need to leave. It isn’t fun being stuck somewhere you don’t want to be with people who have NO idea!
• This last one is a must, prepare yourself to let yourself go and get out there and dance the night away and be YOU, sober.

But you must, look forward to the New Year as one that will make people turn and say, “Oh my, who is that stunning beauty”?

Don’t forget to smile, feel the happy and soar, your new life is waiting…

Happy New Year,

This is, Being Me Sober

We went out with a bunch of friends to The Keg for dinner one night, about a year into my sobriety. The restaurant was busy being a Saturday night. We had to wait for a table so we decided to wait in the bar. We found a big round table for six and sat down. The seat I picked was the only one out of six chairs and six menus that I could have chosen but, I sat in the spot and took the menu that astonishing to me didn’t have a wine list in it, 5 of the others did!

“Oh my gosh!” I said to my friend, Remember me telling you about the sort of signs that I will see reminding me not to drink, well check out my menu!”

I was so freaked out and at that moment was another boost for me on this journey to really believe in “the higher power”.

We are always surrounded by something larger than we are that takes our breath away and makes us believe in the unknown. We need to embrace this and let the journey, the angels or whatever your Higher Power is and let it guide us.

Enjoy the little things.

This is, Being Me Sober

This is a must! You must listen to these songs when you feel down, UN-empowered, your alone, or….. maybe you enjoy an audience….play it loud!! Dance and sing your heart out knowing, they sang that song for YOU! Feel it and feel the enjoyment, excitement because you are a fierce person, you have succeeded, and fought the fight of you life!

Suggested play list….

• Rise – Katy Perry
• Sober – P!nk
• Me Too – Meghan Trainor
• You don’t know Jack – Luke Bryan
• I Can See Clearly Now – Johnny Nash

Dance like no ones watching! 

Cheers!

This is, Being Me Sober

Patience? Who has that these days? Me? Yes, but it isn’t always easy.

When I was drinking I didn’t even know how to possibly have patience, it was now, in the moment no matter the outcome of my actions.

Slowly and soberly over the years I have learned to have more patience and stand back and be alone with my thoughts and deal with them as they come.  It still is hard at times but I have the right tools, mindset and support to be able to accept and deal.

Dealing with our emotions in the past was easy right, we would pop a bottle to get the strength we thought we needed to help us through the emotional state we were in. Our emotions would then be heightened making everything look worse than what it really was or we drank until we thought we were the right/wrong ones and we were going to tell whoever it was how it was going to be!

I know I would have done that. The emotional turmoil of the constant let down of people or circumstances in my life led me to be someone that I didn’t want to be. I would be trapped with my own mind, wondering why the people I loved the most would hurt me so bad, not once, not twice but all the time. I let them do that to me. I kept going back. Like an abused person. I never had the strength mentally or physically to stop the hurt or stop the actions put on to me by others who just didn’t really have my best interest at heart or didn’t appreciate me as much as I did them.

I’m sure it has astonished a lot of people by not putting up with their behavior anymore. Not falling to pieces when they hurt me again, no more drunken phone calls or drunken freak outs, or giving them one more chance. I now sit silently and think things through, soberly, and I communicate to my husband about what is bothering me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy, but being sober helps me to really see the people or things that are hurting me or those around me.

A sober mind let’s us be at peace when we have dealt with the emotions. We make a decision or choice and we can actually stick to it. We no longer carry the anger with us, I actually pity the people that behave the way they do. Why don’t they get help?

I have been and will be confronted by situations in my life, but now I deal with them in a healthy way. As I said, I sit and think and wait to react if I do at all. Is it worth it to say or do anything? Is what I am wanting to do or say at that immediate moment when my emotions are in a fragile state. Those are the questions I ask myself. You must assess the situation first, sort through and stop your immediate thought to REACT, I am patient and really make sure I am doing the right thing before I react or I may decide to stay silent and do and say nothing at all.  The people or things in your life that cause you to react in a negative or unhealthy way are not worth it.

Why I went back to these situations, it was either I felt sorry for the person or I thought I needed them in my life. Being a forgiving person does have it’s down falls. Over the last few years I slowly started to realize their needs and behavior were just to much for me to handle. I couldn’t handle their manipulative ways and I could see the real person behind the mask.

The last few months have been a test for me to see how strong I really am. Just when I start to feel sorry, again, I just sit and wait silently. It’s like chess, wait to see if they will take you down with one smart move. We are smarter than them now, we make the decision of whether we will let them or give them a chance to hurt us again. I waited and sat quietly and I got the answer that I always knew deep down. They are not there for me, it’s about them. Always has been and always will be. I stopped the cycle by patiently waiting to see their next move.

This is another reason why I am so happy to be sober and stop the merry go round of chaos.

Before reacting to situations in your life be patient and watch, listen and sit quiet. You will get the answer you need all in good time.

This is, Being Me Sober

You don’t get to choose your disease.

You’ve been diagnosed with cancer, diabetes, or a heart condition. Yes, those are diseases, you can’t choose to be full of cancer or have a bad heart and say that’s it one day and it goes into hibernation.  How can alcoholism be a disease when you can stop it?

This was the question I had for months in the beginning of my sobriety. How? Is what I kept asking, when you have a choice?  We all have a choice to stop but, it is up to us to  rule this disease.

I came to the conclusion that it’s a disease of our minds, of our state.  Our minds, that voice that tells us to take a drink, keep drinking, or you are fine it’s them that has the problem. The voice calls out to us, manipulates us, rules our being. Eventually we have the power to over rule that voice and say, NO, we make the choice not to succumb to the “disease”.

It’s  a silent disease, it creeps up on us without us even knowing. One day your controlling it and the next its controlling you.

When I started to drink in my teens, it was normal I could control it and when I had my children I hardly ever drank. What happened?

I often said to my husband, “If I had of been married to you the whole time I may not be an alcoholic”. Was I destined to have a problem? I drank to escape my marriage, to escape the man I came to hate. By the time my marriage was over my drinking was out of control. I was able to function with my business and raise my children without losing focus or losing them. I was only a weekend drinker/binger, unless some stress came my way and I would drink to deal. One morning while going through my separation, I was extremely upset about a letter that I had received, I can’t remember now what it was but it was enough to get me in my car after the kids went to school, and drive to the store and grab a case of ginger ale to mix with my scotch and I was going to end it all. I did not care anymore all I wanted to do was wallow in my drunken haze and feel sorry for myself. I was raging and did not know what to do except listen to that voice and drink it away.  That voice is the disease, the disease of our mind taking control.

This is, Being Me Sober

I had been sober for almost 3 months and in my drinking days we booked a trip to California, I had always wanted to go there and yup, I was going! The stress and anxiety I had gone through leading up to the trip was terrible. How was I going to do this! The couple we went with at the time had been very close to my husband and his kids for over 20 years and I had to explain why I wasn’t drinking. Let alone tell them I was a member of AA. First let me explain how I was feeling, I was the “new” one in the circle, I was someone who had 2 children and a lot of baggage, they would look at me like I’m a loser, they would tell my boyfriend that he didn’t need this, he should just get rid of the headache (me). I couldn’t cover up my insecurities any longer, how could I possibly tell them that their dear friends new girlfriend is an alcoholic! Really!!!

I went over and over in my mind about what I would do and say until, I think it was our second night there, we were out on the balcony and I turned to our friend and said to her, “I have a confession to make, I belong to a really cool club” She says, “Oh, really, what club?” I came right out and said, “AA” Oh, I thought as I looked at her and held my breath, this is it, this is how it feels to say it out loud and really be honest with people and friends. All of a sudden, she took me in her arms and said, “That is amazing Kelly, good for you” Her daughter was also there, we were staying with her and her husband in LA, the look of shock and amazement on their face was a total relief. All of a sudden it was like a celebration of what I was doing. They were so happy and proud of me. Wow, I thought, this is okay, I think they still like me. The daughter then started making me really good non-alcoholic drinks and the party was on! So many congrats that night and the whole trip!

I was still struggling with the cravings obviously, it’s only been 3 months right! We went to Venice Beach for the day and hit up a bar for lunch, I had a coffee from Starbucks but the urge and the cravings were unbelievable! I told my boyfriend/husband, I can’t do this, maybe I’ll just drink on holidays, he said if that is what I wanted to do then do that. It was a suggestion to see if I would really do it. I said NO, I can do this. As miserable and unhappy that I was I pushed through. I knew I couldn’t do this as everyone, including myself, would look at me like a failure. What would my kids think?

Once back at the pool, I remember I had some T3’s in my purse for the cramps and backache I was experiencing, so I took 2 of those and got a little high, was having a good time, thought, oh this is good, I’m now having a good time with a little buzz on. All of a sudden I ran to the bushes and barfed!!! Hahahahah, I thought to myself, you are pathetic! Now look what I’ve done. Everyone, ya, everyone was there, asked if I was okay, Oh ya I said, must be the coffee on an empty stomach! I left and went to my room and cried thinking how on earth am I going to get through this! I slept a lot, shopped a lot and my mind was racing to no end.

This first trip sober was awful, but there was one night that I finally realized that I didn’t have to be drunk to do the things that I loved to do. We were in Palm Springs at a beautiful piano bar for dinner and a night of dancing. I was NOT looking forward to this at first but again I pushed through. I couldn’t sleep or shop the whole trip! My friends got me on the dance floor and away I went, I turned my mind off as best I could and just danced, my husband and I danced together, laughed, and had the most amazing time. That was one of the best nights of my life. The picture on here is that night, I’m the one beside my husband in the orange shirt. So happy and SOBER!!

The feeling you get when you realize you can do one of the things you really love sober that you thought you could only do when drunk, or alone,  is a feeling of exhilaration!  I was so happy that night that I conquered my fear of putting myself out there and really just being me. I didn’t care who was watching because I was in control, I knew exactly what I was doing and I was sober!

Today, I tell our best friends who we went on that trip with, it’s a re-do. I want to go back and really have a good time. No all day naps, no fear or anxiety.

I made it through that trip and have made it through so many more struggles on this journey by being strong and fighting through my own thoughts that held me in turmoil for so many years.

I was reborn on May 25 2009 starting from scratch to re-do my life. It’s been 7 years of learning, rethinking, and re-doing. I wouldn’t change it for anything!

This is, Being Me Sober