Author: beingmesober

I'm finally sober! My life up until I really got sober was in one word, chaotic! I didn't know what stability was. To top off my mess of a childhood, I went straight into a marriage with more abuse and alcoholism. But, what I have today is who I am, who I've become, I am with an amazing (new) husband, we have 4 kids and our fur-baby. It has not been an easy road but I can say it was worth every fight and tear it took to get me here. Sharing my journey with you and my past is not to display it all over the place but to help someone relate to what has happened and where my mind has been while I was drinking and where it is today. Its to give insight to those suffering that if you just keep fighting you can really have the best life you were meant to have. Let's do this!
Mental Health

90 Days In…

beingmesober

I had been sober for almost 3 months and in my drinking days we booked a trip to California, I had always wanted to go there and yup, I was going! The stress and anxiety I had gone through leading up to the trip was terrible. How was I going to do this! The couple we went with at the time had been very close to my husband and his kids for over 20 years and I had to explain why I wasn’t drinking. Let alone tell them I was a member of AA. First let me explain how I was feeling, I was the “new” one in the circle, I was someone who had 2 children and a lot of baggage, they would look at me like I’m a loser, they would tell my boyfriend that he didn’t need this, he should just get rid of the headache (me). I couldn’t cover up my insecurities any longer, how could I possibly tell them that their dear friends new girlfriend is an alcoholic! Really!!!

I went over and over in my mind about what I would do and say until, I think it was our second night there, we were out on the balcony and I turned to our friend and said to her, “I have a confession to make, I belong to a really cool club” She says, “Oh, really, what club?” I came right out and said, “AA” Oh, I thought as I looked at her and held my breath, this is it, this is how it feels to say it out loud and really be honest with people and friends. All of a sudden, she took me in her arms and said, “That is amazing Kelly, good for you” Her daughter was also there, we were staying with her and her husband in LA, the look of shock and amazement on their face was a total relief. All of a sudden it was like a celebration of what I was doing. They were so happy and proud of me. Wow, I thought, this is okay, I think they still like me. The daughter then started making me really good non-alcoholic drinks and the party was on! So many congrats that night and the whole trip!

I was still struggling with the cravings obviously, it’s only been 3 months right! We went to Venice Beach for the day and hit up a bar for lunch, I had a coffee from Starbucks but the urge and the cravings were unbelievable! I told my boyfriend/husband, I can’t do this, maybe I’ll just drink on holidays, he said if that is what I wanted to do then do that. It was a suggestion to see if I would really do it. I said NO, I can do this. As miserable and unhappy that I was I pushed through. I knew I couldn’t do this as everyone, including myself, would look at me like a failure. What would my kids think?

Once back at the pool, I remember I had some T3’s in my purse for the cramps and backache I was experiencing, so I took 2 of those and got a little high, was having a good time, thought, oh this is good, I’m now having a good time with a little buzz on. All of a sudden I ran to the bushes and barfed!!! Hahahahah, I thought to myself, you are pathetic! Now look what I’ve done. Everyone, ya, everyone was there, asked if I was okay, Oh ya I said, must be the coffee on an empty stomach! I left and went to my room and cried thinking how on earth am I going to get through this! I slept a lot, shopped a lot and my mind was racing to no end.

This first trip sober was awful, but there was one night that I finally realized that I didn’t have to be drunk to do the things that I loved to do. We were in Palm Springs at a beautiful piano bar for dinner and a night of dancing. I was NOT looking forward to this at first but again I pushed through. I couldn’t sleep or shop the whole trip! My friends got me on the dance floor and away I went, I turned my mind off as best I could and just danced, my husband and I danced together, laughed, and had the most amazing time. That was one of the best nights of my life. The picture on here is that night, I’m the one beside my husband in the orange shirt. So happy and SOBER!!

The feeling you get when you realize you can do one of the things you really love sober that you thought you could only do when drunk, or alone,  is a feeling of exhilaration!  I was so happy that night that I conquered my fear of putting myself out there and really just being me. I didn’t care who was watching because I was in control, I knew exactly what I was doing and I was sober!

Today, I tell our best friends who we went on that trip with, it’s a re-do. I want to go back and really have a good time. No all day naps, no fear or anxiety.

I made it through that trip and have made it through so many more struggles on this journey by being strong and fighting through my own thoughts that held me in turmoil for so many years.

I was reborn on May 25 2009 starting from scratch to re-do my life. It’s been 7 years of learning, rethinking, and re-doing. I wouldn’t change it for anything!

This is, Being Me Sober

Uncategorized

Walking away

beingmesober

When I say walking away, I mean from everything and almost everyone. Toxic people will always be toxic. Narcissistic people will always be narcissist. Alcoholics will always be alcoholic. We have to have so much power over our mind and become tough when we are walking away from something unhealthy in our lives. Whether it be a person or thing. I mean, we’ve already walked away from the one thing that almost killed us. One day we said, “ENOUGH“. We have to do the same to the people that are toxic for our sobriety and mental health. Sometimes I struggle.

I’m struggling right now about my father. We have quite a history, me and my dad, but I will do my best to sum it up! Ok in a nut shell, Even though he is a domestic abuser, he’s on his 5th wife, drinks to the point of blacking out (not all the time) then goes hay wire, buys the wife a Jag, or a Hummer, did I mention he’s very successful, cries, apologizes and cons the wives to stay a little longer…get the picture? Typical right?  I saw and heard so much violence at a young age. I was a child confused, angry and growing into someone that I dreaded to be. My father was a constant in my life, not physically there all the time because he was on the road in the early years being a truck driver, then moved to the States to be with his new girlfriend (wife #3) he met while trucking and still, if I may add, with wife number 2 at the time. But, he was all I had. I could share everything with him, he taught me so many valuable things in life . I watched him build his success. But I always knew the other side. I was scared and always had that fear, knowing what he was capable of if I crossed the line. He wasn’t abusive if he didn’t drink, nor was he physically abusive to me, he was just mean at times. As I got older and we became closer and more emotionally dependent on him. I was in an abusive marriage myself for years and again he was all I had other than my children. Dad will be there for us I thought when I left my marriage. He was, on his terms, his way and you’d better appreciate what he did for you or he’ll turn.  My drinking was way outta control then btw, my life was just chaotic.

I was 6 months sober and went to visit him and we sat in the games room, as usual, and instead of, “I’m proud of you”, he got himself a beer and asked me if I wanted one, I refused, and he says, “Well, you can have one”

No, dad, I can’t. That’s when it really changed. We were slowly becoming two different people. No, I, was becoming a different person.

My sobriety has really opened my eyes to the kind of person he truly is. I found myself becoming angry at him for his behavior and issues he’s never admitted too let alone get help for. He’s never said sorry and meant it. He manipulates and cons all who choose to surround themselves with him. He will hurt anyone to save his skin. There is so much that I have to let go of because of his actions and manipulation. He is recovering right now due to the removal of his testicle. Yup, he could have cancer. When I first heard I did text him and wish him well, we haven’t spoken in over a year so I felt, he is, after all my father and I know I would regret not saying or acknowledging the issue. I’m not that cold! Anyway, he’s recently once again hurt me to the core and it’s been weighing on my mind very heavily. I’m struggling with not writing to him or letting him know what he has done? Is it worth it? No, is my first incline, but I feel like I need some sort of closure…Any advice?

Its my heart that gets in the way now, not the booze!

This is , Being Me Sober

Mental Health

All or none!

beingmesober

I remember one of the many times my husband thought I should stop drinking or “slow down”.

We were at a restaurant for dinner and drinks. He was still in denial that I had a serious drinking problem. As many co-dependents do this because neither of us understand. We both know I needed to either stop or keep in control.

He said, “Can’t you just have a couple and stop?” My reply was,” all or none ” I knew this and I knew I had a serious problem but I was still at the stage where I thought I could deal with it on my own.

We went through the whole, oh I never ate dinner last night, or, maybe it’s the wine that effects me and makes me blackout and not remember the evil that I would turn into. Let’s start diluting the booze. Ya, obviously it didn’t work!

I never drank socially, I drank to get drunk, really drunk. What’s the point of drinking if your not going to have the effects? Seemed like a waste and totally boring!

I had my drink of choice for the evening, music and the phone until I finally went to bed or a fight broke out because I wouldn’t wait til morning to “talk”. My husband hated talking to me when I was drunk and hated watching me torment myself and everyone else around.

Looking back on that as I often do, I’m glad I finally chose “NONE”

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health

Are you a pleaser?

beingmesober

Are you a pleaser? Do you put yourself out there for people no matter what you have going on or how you really feel about it.

Over the years of being sober and being able to see things a whole lot clearer, I notice myself going out of my way or agreeing to things I really don’t want to do, just to keep things moving smoothly.  I don’t want an argument or to upset the other person. Am I scared or nervous to speak up because of the fear I had put in front of me at 4 years of age? Why do I feel so strong but yet afraid of conflict?

When I drank I would choose to vent, Oh, not in a nice way, about why they were doing that to me.

I seem to be questioning my actions, like theses days, and asking myself, why I am allowing that to happen.

These are the silent scars that no one sees when your sober or drunk. How I deal with them is so different today than so long ago. I still struggle with doing things for people to avoid them getting mad at me or upset. Even if they are ok with it, I feel like they are and I end up with such anxiety. Oh, the trips your mind takes you on!

There are so many under lying matters that our drug of choice would deal with. That was our answer back then, uh, “Why do they do this to me?” It would stew and boil til it came out under the influence of our faithful drug.

Which is better?  I think we know the answer to that!

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health

How to fill your time

beingmesober

Hi everyone!

Hope your having a great sober day!

In my early days of sobriety as soon as 4:00 on Friday hit I wanted a drink. I was a binge drinker, usually weekends. I thankfully did not drink every day. When the weekend came it was time to party!!

Something that I did to distract from wanting to drink and deal with the urge was to go shopping, or play my favourite music really loud and sing and dance.

Think of things that make you happy, push yourself to do the things you love other than drinking. Find a quiet place to read, meditate or visit friends that know what you are battling with.

This is Being Me Sober.