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Mental Health

Shame……

There were times I would pack my suitcase, grab a blanket and my dog and go to the kids high school and sleep. That was a place where I thought I could hide and get away from  the shame and the embarrassment I felt after a night of binging and black-out. I can’t share with you exactly what I did because I only remember bits and pieces of the night. If I may add, they were enough for me to know I had a huge problem!

When I would run, which I always wanted to do, sober or intoxicated. I was really trying to run from myself, hide my shame of horrible things I did or said, run from the look on peoples faces, run from the horrible person I was. Running was my solution to everything. It was a defense mechanism to save myself the hurt and shame of losing it all. I felt like a useless mother, an undeserving mother, a useless and nothing to offer kind of girlfriend and person. The shame was excruciating.

I ran because I couldn’t face them. The sight of myself was disgusting so how could they ever want to be around me……this. I couldn’t handle them telling me what I had done, I don’t do those things when I am sober. I had to beg for forgiveness and promise things that I did not believe my self. I had to go back and make them believe that I do need them. I had to stop doing what I was doing, but how?

Even though I promised myself and my family I would keep it under control, I never could for very long. There was always something or someone doing or saying something that set me off on a tangent. Once I started I couldn’t stop either the booze or the consequence.

I can not go back and erase the things I did or said, but I can stay sober,to show them how much they mean to me and how I did not mean anything I did or said then, it just isn’t who I am.

Don’t be ashamed of your past, grow from it and make amends to yourself and all you have hurt. Face everything in life head on with grace and sobriety!

 

This is Being Me Sober

Mental Health

Liquid Courage…..

We thought we were strong when we were intoxicated. We didn’t need anyone but ourselves. We could take on the world, alone. If that’s what it took. They never understood us. All this blaming and accusing us of having a problem….wait and see what we can do without them! We yell, scream, fight like we are undefeated.

Then we wake up, sober up and beg for forgiveness. We feel weak and ashamed. Where did that power go? There is no power when we are intoxicated. It is imaginary and our addiction wanting us to succumb to the power of the demons that keep us going back to the bottle or drug.

We all know this courage and can relate to it once we are sober/clean. It is not who we really are. We are fighting ourselves really, and trying to convince all those around us what power we think we have, but having no power at all.

This is Being Me Sober….

 

 

Mental Health

Time to cherish…YOU

Let’s think for a minute about something you have that you value and cherish with all your heart. You enclose it in a glass case so it never gets dusty, touched or broken. You cherish it because it’s irreplaceable and priceless. Your heart opens with love and happiness when you look at it.
Now…..why can’t we do this to ourselves.
Love yourself enough to know YOU are irreplaceable and priceless.

This is, Being Me Sober….

Mental Health

Interrupted…..

I applied for Interior Decorating in College but my plans were interrupted.

I was kicked out at 18 years of age for reasons that I did not understand. I was accused of things I never did. I was suppose to attend college in the Fall.  I had no where to go and no one to run too. My father was living in the States with his new family and it was a time when I wasn’t a part of my mothers life because she disowned me, again.

Yes, I was a typical teenager. I had my girlfriends over when I was babysitting my sister every weekend. We would drink and sit around and sing Tiffany songs! Nothing bad, no cops, or out of control parties where the whole neighborhood shows up and destroys the house. I was a young girl who had innocent fun. I did not deserve to be kicked out at the age of 18 with no where to go.

As I sit and ponder those days I wonder what my life would have been like if I was able to attend College. Would I have become successful in my passion and career of choice? Was I meant to be where I am today and experience the path that I did and I am on? Today I have no regrets or lasting resentment for what my step mother did at that time.  In fact, we are very close today and I sometimes thank her for kicking me in the ass and teaching me responsibility. As bad and wrong as it was, it played a huge part of who I am today.

I learned to be independent, I learned that if I wanted to make something of myself I had to do it on my own which made me stronger.

My plans were interrupted but today I am thankful for where I am and all I have learned, from something so wrong and terrifying at a young age.

When your plans are interrupted there is always a reason. Maybe one you don’t like or understand at the time but when you ponder, don’t hold grudges, regrets or self pity, you are where you are suppose to be, no matter how bleak or bright. Turn your interruptions into something positive and know it was meant to be.

 

This is, Being Me Sober

 

 

 

 

Mental Health

Powerless….

Hello all and Happy New Year!

I have been a member of a really good online group called “In The Rooms”. It’s a site that gives meetings online so anyone who has a computer and internet can attend. It has been really good to become a member and helps remind me of the things that I had once been succumbed to, such as, being, POWERLESS. Being POWERLESS over a situation or a disease that has your life. I was POWERLESS over alcohol.

I was POWERLESS over that voice in my head that told me not to drink, to stop drinking, to not black out, to not lose my shit! I was POWERLESS to know when enough was enough, and POWERLESS over my emotions because I couldn’t handle it, or anything else for that matter, while I was drinking.

That’s part of the alcoholism, a mental disease, the POWERLESSNESS of our minds not allowing us to escape the need, the want of something that is not healthy or good for you or anyone around you. POWERLESS.

Once you realize you do have the POWER to stop your mind, stop your behavior and manage your emotions with a clear and sober head, the world you live in becomes manageable and POWERFUL. You control your thoughts, actions and attitude. But, only when you see and admit that you are POWERLESS and change what it is that has taken over the person you truly are and are meant to be.

Stop….Think…..Breath…..Relinquish the POWER that we all hold in us.

Be a POWER-HOUSE when embarking on your journey.

For anyone interested in checking out the website here is the link: www.intherooms.com

 

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health

The Doctors….

There has been a lot of talk lately about teens over dosing on heavy drugs such as heroin and cocaine. But the strange thing is, is that these healthy, full of life people (kids) started by going to see their family doctor about an injury at school . The doctors prescribe them pain killers such as percocet, oxycodone etc for the pain. When the doctors feel they have had enough they would no longer prescribe the drugs, which then leads the patient to seek the “high” or self medicate for pain and they turn to heroine or cocaine or any other potent life killing drug.

I know of someone very close to me that had been suffering with pain and started taking percocet to ease the pain and before you know it she was hooked.

She now suffers from nausea, IBS, headaches, dizziness, fatigue, and mood disorders due to the perks. She is in and out of doctors offices and getting poked and every bit of her body scanned to find the cause and source of the pain.

You have to know that she was a very active women who is now pretty much bed ridden, in constant pain and depressed because she can not do anything she used to be able to do.

These doctors prescribe these deadly drugs, pharmaceutical companies continue to make and sell these deadly drugs and pretty much get away with murder as far as I am concerned.

Something needs to be done with the prescription drugs these docs are allowed to give to our children or family members. I am not sure what that is yet but, I have read a lot about marijuana and the benefits it has for pain and depression. Marijuana is illegal still on the streets, but it is accessible through clinics, legally. It’s a natural form of pain relief and can boost your serotonin in the brain to lift your spirits when suffering form pain or mental depression. There are a lot of benefits to the drug that doctors need to pay attention to and stop killing with the powder synthetic drugs they push on to our family and friends.

This is, Being Me Sober.

 

Mental Health

Knowing….

If I had of known my life would be this great, it wouldn’t of taken me so long to get here.

I thought my life was great when I drank. I could really open up and talk, get things off my mind. I know now that noone was listening.

I thought I had it all, I know now that I had nothing.

I thought my children were fine, I know now they were hurting.

I thought I looked great, I know now that I looked my worst.

I thought I was a good role model, I know now that I was no model at all.

I thought I would die, I know now I am so alive.

This Is, Being Me Sober

 

Mental Health

How do we know if someone is alcoholic……

Someone close to me once asked, “Well how come “they” aren’t an alcoholic and so and so is?”

My answer, “Because of the patterns and track record of their drinking.” It’s hard to explain to someone in a few words when they have little knowledge or understanding of the disease.

How do we know if someone has an addiction problem? We have been told what to watch for in addiction ridden people and there are patterns and consistent behaviour associated with them when they drink or use.

It is very easy and naive of people to judge based on what they see “sometimes” when around people “sometimes.”

Here are a few things to look for when you are faced with questioning whether you’re dealing with someone that has too many drinks one night or is going through a rough patch and they may drink more than usual for that period of time and eventually come back to their “normal” drinking patterns after time has passed.

If you see the following happening, it’s time to have a conversation with that person or yourself:

– Drinking is a priority for you

– Losing control of yourself

– Knowing to stop but continue anyway

– People start to distance themselves from your life

– Not fun anymore

– Problems at home and/or work

– Having no money but always having enough for alcohol/drugs

– Less self care

– Loss of focus of things that were once important to you and/or your family

– Feeling of shame

– Feeling at a lose

– Emotioinal instability

– Blackouts

– Losing control of your body functions, eg: wetting the bed, vomiting in bed etc.

– Continuous loss of personal items eg: cell phone, wallet, etc.

– Anger when using/drinking

– Hostility towards others

– Blame

– Depression when not drinking/using

– Trouble with the law, jail, charges etc.

– Violence

There are many factors and actions to look for in someone who has a problem. We can not generalize ones actions by only being with them a few times or a family and friends looking in from the outside. We have a track record of reckless behavior when we are intoxicated. We have more bad situations than good, we repeat our mistakes, even after swearing not to do it again. We have many problems that only ourselves and people who are with us day in and day out can see or be subjected too and can really truly understand the meaning of or labeling someone with alcoholic. It does not happen over night, it does not happen in a few months, it takes years to come to the conclusion and realization that there is a problem.

Don’t ever be afraid to question……knowledge is power!

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health

The lump….

Just an update on my lump, thank you to all with your kind words and support! I am clear of cancer and doc says it’s just a cyst!!!! Phew, what a scare. I thought I would only have seen or lived 8 years of the best my life had to give me. What a scare it is to sit and think of the possibilities we may have to face when we are faced with possible illness or diseases and yes possible death, some we have no control over.

We have control over the choices we make when it comes to the disease of addictions, we can stop with the right support and care of ourselves, mindset and the right people at our side. 

Sit and think of how good life is when we are in control of our destiny. Think and chose sobriety!

Wishing you all a happy healthy life at it’s best!

Being Me Sober