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Mental Health

Diluting to Delusion…….

Let’s face it, when we start drinking no matter what age, we do it because we see our parents doing it or we have a friend that gets access to it and we do it together. Some of us can have no desire to drink and some like us, it’s the taste of a whole different path we drank our way into. We of course didn’t intend it to work out the way it did. We had no idea what was ahead of us.

I think I was about 15, 16 when I had my first taste of alcohol. I went through high school going to all the parties and had parties at my home. Normal teenage experiencing and living out the best years of our life.

I got married at 22 and had my first child just 3 months shy of my 23rd birthday. I had my second child at 25. My life was happy and my main focus was my children, my family. I was able to stay at home with my children throughout their childhood. In year 2002 I started my own residential cleaning company so I could still be there for my kids. I was succcessful at being a mother and running my own company for over 12 years. But things started to change and the alcohol started to take control because of the abusive marriage I was “stuck” in. I had issues from my childhood that I never dealt with because I put them in the back of my mind and didn’t know how to deal with them. I saw therapists seeking help but never gave up the alcohol.

I had become delusional, blaming other people for my black out rages. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t acting out for nothing, I was releasing all the hurt, all the secrets, all the abuse I had seen and lived through since I was 4 until I was 34 years old and, when I drank it surfaced. Little by little, piece by piece, rage after rage. Until I had a break down and was forced to look at myself and give it one last try. I had to, I had children and a man who changed my world.

When our drinking morphs us into someone people don’t recognize anymore, it leaves us and others with questions. We start to make excuses, we become delusional as to why we chose to act the way we did or why we have to drink so much. Funny thing is, we didn’t know the answer to those questions either. Those are the questions we were asking ourselves.

I will share with you my thoughts about why I thought, or what I chose to tell people what caused my black out rage episodes and what I tried to do to stop the rage and black outs so I could keep drinking.

* I didn’t eat before I drank.

* I had a bad day.

* I was fine, they were the ones who made me lose my shit!

* It’s the wine, I will dilute it.

* It’s the beer, I will dilute it.

* I swore off liquor because it was to strong.

There are a lot more excuses and tactics our minds let us believe when we know we have a problem and aren’t ready to give it up.

In all honesty, the only thing we are diluting is our mind into delusion.

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health

Your Mind at War with You……

It is known in all of us. That voice that tells us we will be okay, if….

The voice that keeps us in the hell we are going through. The voice that tells you you can control it, this time. The voice that tells you it’s them that has a problem, not me.

How much I struggled with this voice in my early sobriety and how I had to fight with myself to say NO. We can convince ourselves of anything.

The reason we have such a hard time sustaining from any addiction is not only the environment or people we are around, but the mind. It’s the devil against the angel.

Until we sustain abstinence from the drug of choice for a long period of time we can not see the beauty of having a life without it.

It took me many attempts at quitting the booze but not long enough to see the outcome of sustaining. Until I had the ultimatum of losing everything that is so important to me. I knew I was hurting not only myself but my children and everyone and thing around me. What kind of example was I setting for them. How could I be anything to them if I wasn’t functioning at my best. I was being looked at like a drunk, a person who had a lot of baggage. People asked my husband why he stayed with me. His response, “Kelly is a great person when she is sober.” He could see the good I had in me when I couldn’t.

I was trapped between letting go of the “baggage” or keep chugging away on my pity party train. Never did I feel sorry for myself but I had to release all the hurt and pain I had been carrying since I was 4 years old. The only time I could release that pain and talk about it was when I was drinking and felt that strength from the bottle. Everything from my past would surface and that is when I wanted to talk. If I didn’t get the attention I thought I deserved well, out came the rage and hatred for the people who did me wrong. The devil was poking his head out and giving them a taste of what they all deserved.

Today I do not listen to that voice, as a matter of fact the devil has left the building. It no longer torments me to give in to the drink when things go array, I can function and communicate without substance being the instigator. I have the power of my mind and what I choose to keep in my vault of thinking and what I choose to remember, think about and focus on. I can now sort through the issues I have or had with my past without my mind racing a mile a minute and reaching for my bottle to get me through the chaos.  Life throws us into a loop sometimes and we don’t always know how to deal with it. But using to get through is NOT the answer. It makes things so much worse and you end up feeling worse then when you started out. Life becomes distorted and confusing.

The saying is “mind over matter.”  It is just that. Take the matter at hand and think of better solutions to help you get through. Don’t listen to the voice that tells you to drink or use to get the answer or to feel better. Be your best and you will have the best.

Put the devil to bed and say goodbye to that voice that holds you back.

One minute, one hour, one day at a time. Quiet your mind if just for a moment.

This is, Being Me Sober

 

Mental Health

Patience…..

I can still hear my dad saying “Slow down Kelly.” Even into my 30’s he was still saying it.

It seems everything in my life I have done, I have done it quickly, expecting immediate results. When I didn’t get the instant results I wanted I either got very frustrated or gave up cause it wasn’t working. I didn’t know patience.

My mother told me I was on Ritalin as a child that I had ADD. I was into my early 40’s when she told me! I was like, your telling me this now? And then well, it made sense. I can actually feel it in myself at times and it is me now telling myself to “slow down.” I mean even when I drank, I went all the way and FAST!

When it comes to stress of activities such as housework, homework, anxiety, etc,. Or emotions your not use to. You need to allow yourself to stop, and go slow. Take a breathe, relax, it will get done, if not in 5 minutes then 10.

I had to find a lot of patience when it came to sustaining from alcohol. There is no instant gratification, it is a long process and very delicate. You need to take it step by step, emotion after emotion and slow.

When I stopped drinking everything about me changed. I never took notice before because I was depressed and emotionally unstable. I couldn’t deal or recognize any of my emotions.

You hear all the time how great sobriety is and you think, huh, never worked for me, or will it work and how long does it take to feel great again or not have urges anymore.

The answer is in you, you have to have patience to get better. Your body and brain are healing and it takes time.

No matter what you do “slow down“. Don’t give up. Learn to go slow and have patience.

Being Me Sober

Mental Health

Shame……

There were times I would pack my suitcase, grab a blanket and my dog and go to the kids high school and sleep. That was a place where I thought I could hide and get away from  the shame and the embarrassment I felt after a night of binging and black-out. I can’t share with you exactly what I did because I only remember bits and pieces of the night. If I may add, they were enough for me to know I had a huge problem!

When I would run, which I always wanted to do, sober or intoxicated. I was really trying to run from myself, hide my shame of horrible things I did or said, run from the look on peoples faces, run from the horrible person I was. Running was my solution to everything. It was a defense mechanism to save myself the hurt and shame of losing it all. I felt like a useless mother, an undeserving mother, a useless and nothing to offer kind of girlfriend and person. The shame was excruciating.

I ran because I couldn’t face them. The sight of myself was disgusting so how could they ever want to be around me……this. I couldn’t handle them telling me what I had done, I don’t do those things when I am sober. I had to beg for forgiveness and promise things that I did not believe my self. I had to go back and make them believe that I do need them. I had to stop doing what I was doing, but how?

Even though I promised myself and my family I would keep it under control, I never could for very long. There was always something or someone doing or saying something that set me off on a tangent. Once I started I couldn’t stop either the booze or the consequence.

I can not go back and erase the things I did or said, but I can stay sober,to show them how much they mean to me and how I did not mean anything I did or said then, it just isn’t who I am.

Don’t be ashamed of your past, grow from it and make amends to yourself and all you have hurt. Face everything in life head on with grace and sobriety!

 

This is Being Me Sober

Mental Health

Liquid Courage…..

We thought we were strong when we were intoxicated. We didn’t need anyone but ourselves. We could take on the world, alone. If that’s what it took. They never understood us. All this blaming and accusing us of having a problem….wait and see what we can do without them! We yell, scream, fight like we are undefeated.

Then we wake up, sober up and beg for forgiveness. We feel weak and ashamed. Where did that power go? There is no power when we are intoxicated. It is imaginary and our addiction wanting us to succumb to the power of the demons that keep us going back to the bottle or drug.

We all know this courage and can relate to it once we are sober/clean. It is not who we really are. We are fighting ourselves really, and trying to convince all those around us what power we think we have, but having no power at all.

This is Being Me Sober….

 

 

Mental Health

Time to cherish…YOU

Let’s think for a minute about something you have that you value and cherish with all your heart. You enclose it in a glass case so it never gets dusty, touched or broken. You cherish it because it’s irreplaceable and priceless. Your heart opens with love and happiness when you look at it.
Now…..why can’t we do this to ourselves.
Love yourself enough to know YOU are irreplaceable and priceless.

This is, Being Me Sober….

Mental Health

Interrupted…..

I applied for Interior Decorating in College but my plans were interrupted.

I was kicked out at 18 years of age for reasons that I did not understand. I was accused of things I never did. I was suppose to attend college in the Fall.  I had no where to go and no one to run too. My father was living in the States with his new family and it was a time when I wasn’t a part of my mothers life because she disowned me, again.

Yes, I was a typical teenager. I had my girlfriends over when I was babysitting my sister every weekend. We would drink and sit around and sing Tiffany songs! Nothing bad, no cops, or out of control parties where the whole neighborhood shows up and destroys the house. I was a young girl who had innocent fun. I did not deserve to be kicked out at the age of 18 with no where to go.

As I sit and ponder those days I wonder what my life would have been like if I was able to attend College. Would I have become successful in my passion and career of choice? Was I meant to be where I am today and experience the path that I did and I am on? Today I have no regrets or lasting resentment for what my step mother did at that time.  In fact, we are very close today and I sometimes thank her for kicking me in the ass and teaching me responsibility. As bad and wrong as it was, it played a huge part of who I am today.

I learned to be independent, I learned that if I wanted to make something of myself I had to do it on my own which made me stronger.

My plans were interrupted but today I am thankful for where I am and all I have learned, from something so wrong and terrifying at a young age.

When your plans are interrupted there is always a reason. Maybe one you don’t like or understand at the time but when you ponder, don’t hold grudges, regrets or self pity, you are where you are suppose to be, no matter how bleak or bright. Turn your interruptions into something positive and know it was meant to be.

 

This is, Being Me Sober

 

 

 

 

Mental Health

Powerless….

Hello all and Happy New Year!

I have been a member of a really good online group called “In The Rooms”. It’s a site that gives meetings online so anyone who has a computer and internet can attend. It has been really good to become a member and helps remind me of the things that I had once been succumbed to, such as, being, POWERLESS. Being POWERLESS over a situation or a disease that has your life. I was POWERLESS over alcohol.

I was POWERLESS over that voice in my head that told me not to drink, to stop drinking, to not black out, to not lose my shit! I was POWERLESS to know when enough was enough, and POWERLESS over my emotions because I couldn’t handle it, or anything else for that matter, while I was drinking.

That’s part of the alcoholism, a mental disease, the POWERLESSNESS of our minds not allowing us to escape the need, the want of something that is not healthy or good for you or anyone around you. POWERLESS.

Once you realize you do have the POWER to stop your mind, stop your behavior and manage your emotions with a clear and sober head, the world you live in becomes manageable and POWERFUL. You control your thoughts, actions and attitude. But, only when you see and admit that you are POWERLESS and change what it is that has taken over the person you truly are and are meant to be.

Stop….Think…..Breath…..Relinquish the POWER that we all hold in us.

Be a POWER-HOUSE when embarking on your journey.

For anyone interested in checking out the website here is the link: www.intherooms.com

 

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health

The Doctors….

There has been a lot of talk lately about teens over dosing on heavy drugs such as heroin and cocaine. But the strange thing is, is that these healthy, full of life people (kids) started by going to see their family doctor about an injury at school . The doctors prescribe them pain killers such as percocet, oxycodone etc for the pain. When the doctors feel they have had enough they would no longer prescribe the drugs, which then leads the patient to seek the “high” or self medicate for pain and they turn to heroine or cocaine or any other potent life killing drug.

I know of someone very close to me that had been suffering with pain and started taking percocet to ease the pain and before you know it she was hooked.

She now suffers from nausea, IBS, headaches, dizziness, fatigue, and mood disorders due to the perks. She is in and out of doctors offices and getting poked and every bit of her body scanned to find the cause and source of the pain.

You have to know that she was a very active women who is now pretty much bed ridden, in constant pain and depressed because she can not do anything she used to be able to do.

These doctors prescribe these deadly drugs, pharmaceutical companies continue to make and sell these deadly drugs and pretty much get away with murder as far as I am concerned.

Something needs to be done with the prescription drugs these docs are allowed to give to our children or family members. I am not sure what that is yet but, I have read a lot about marijuana and the benefits it has for pain and depression. Marijuana is illegal still on the streets, but it is accessible through clinics, legally. It’s a natural form of pain relief and can boost your serotonin in the brain to lift your spirits when suffering form pain or mental depression. There are a lot of benefits to the drug that doctors need to pay attention to and stop killing with the powder synthetic drugs they push on to our family and friends.

This is, Being Me Sober.

 

Mental Health

Knowing….

If I had of known my life would be this great, it wouldn’t of taken me so long to get here.

I thought my life was great when I drank. I could really open up and talk, get things off my mind. I know now that noone was listening.

I thought I had it all, I know now that I had nothing.

I thought my children were fine, I know now they were hurting.

I thought I looked great, I know now that I looked my worst.

I thought I was a good role model, I know now that I was no model at all.

I thought I would die, I know now I am so alive.

This Is, Being Me Sober