Tag: #choices

Mental Health

How I handle fear and self doubt.

beingmesober

How do you handle fear and self-doubt?

Fear and self doubt mixed with self sabotage, the intrusive thoughts. We all have it. Some, worse than others, and some just excel in everything they do and have managed to keep those thoughts and feelings at bay and push through.

Having those feelings can be much more complex from an abusive childhood, being bullied in school and/or work, or have been rejected more times than accepted.

As I’ve gotten older I’m not as timid or shy but that doesn’t mean I have no fear or self doubt. I’ve struggled many times in my 55 years but I’ve never given up. I’m also a procrastinator..oh gosh, yes, I am. That could be from fear and self doubt. When I first discovered fluid art I wanted to try it. I started on a small canvas and eventually wanted to try a large 36 x 48 canvas. It looked massive to me at that time. It sat against the wall for weeks. Every time I walked by I would stop and stare. Ugh, I kept thinking. Its so big. I can’t do it.

I finally decided now or never. How will I excel at art if I am scared or don’t try. I completed the piece and I liked it okay. Everyone loved it. My friends and strangers were complimenting me on how nice it was, how much talent it took to create that! I was so honored and proud. My art took off from there and the funny thing is I only like to work on large canvases now. I’m really enjoying my textured Art I’ve learned and created some nice pieces.

So the next time your mind tells you you can’t do something ask yourself who is saying that. Who says you can’t do something that excites you or helps you grow? We are here to express ourselves in whatever brings us happiness and love.

YOU are capable. YOU can do whatever you set your mind to you just have to try and try again. Quiet those voices with anticipation and determination.

Leisure, Mental Health, Stages

I’m 17 Today!

beingmesober

Hello fellow warriors. I hope you’re all striving to be your best selves everyday.

Every year I wake up and think of where I was on my sobriety anniversary. My stomach turns, my mind and body feels every emotion I was feeling that day.

I was terrified of what I might have lost. What I was doing with my life and my children.The thing is I was not a daily drinker, I might have had a drink before dinner, but I knew once I started I didn’t want to stop. I had kids to get ready for school and I had a business to run. I couldn’t be hungover and expect to clean a house or business to perfection if I was not feeling 100%. No one can do their best after a night of binge drinking.

It was the long weekend in May of 2009. I was drinking all day with our neighbor. I don’t know what happened but I packed a suitcase and walked with my daughter and her friend to her house and decided to leave my boyfriend. I continued to drink at my daughters friends house, her mothers rum or whiskey and got on the phone with my dad in Florida and asked if he’d come pick me up in Ontario. I was leaving and I needed him to come get me. I had no regard for my son or daughter. How on earth was I even going to get them to the States. This is where my mind was at. Still trying to escape. Still running. Still drunk. My dad would have come to get me. He always did. He had arranged a friend who would drive up and pick us up. It sounded like the perfect plan. I would leave, run, run to my dad who was there for me. No plan, no reason other than, I was drinking and raging.

When it was time for me to leave where I was and return home, I was angry, ashamed, scared and so so tired. What have I done. Again. More broken promises. Another relapse.

When I walked in the door at 9am I was prepared for everything and nothing, but also prepared mindfully for my boyfriend to tell me and my kids to pack up and leave. I didn’t know where to hide, where to go, what to do. I actually grabbed a blanket and went to the high school up the street and layed on the ground right there with the traffic going by looking at this person on a hill with her blanket. I didn’t know what to do or where to go, My mind was drunk and full of hate, not for them but for me. How pathetic I had become. What an embarressment for my kids I was. Not only did their dad have an alcohol problem but now their mom too. I couldn’t be in my skin. I hated myself. I was not worthy to anyone. I wished I was dead.

I grabbed my blanket got up and walked back home. I went upstairs washed my face, went to the kitchen made a tea, grabbed my anti depressants, probably 60 tablets or so, put them all in my mouth and swallowed. I grabbed my tea and walked out the front door on my way to the hospital. The hospital was not around the corner, it was a few km from our house but I was determined and so desperate to escape, die, get help. It was time.

I stayed in the hospital for 5 days and walked through the doors of AA June 1st 2009 at 8pm. That was one of the things I had to do to start and repair my relationship with my boyfriend and kids as well as his.I couldn’t believe I was “one of them.” I fought it as I am sure we all do, we aren’t like these people, we aren’t as bad, we don’t drink like that. We are not alcoholic. We have this under control….. Until we don’t.

I fought this but continued to go, to listen and try to find some familiarity. I spoke of such with a lady in AA, she told me to stay and I would hear someone who was just like me. I did, it was I think my 6 month of sobriety and someone spoke of their journey and what do you know, she was a binger, not an everyday drinker, just a drinker who couldn’t stop at one.  Just. Like. Me. There it is, there it was, in my face. I am like these people, I am alcoholic, I have become powerless over alcohol, it consumed me, it was my priority when my kids, my boyfriend, my life should have been my priority. These people were my people. We are all the same just with different stories.

AA, my boyfriend and the love for my children and step-children, and myself, got me to give up drinking. They saved my life.Today is a very special day, it is not only my 17th year alcohol free, but my husband and I met 20 years ago on this day, and married 13 years ago on this day. May 25th is a day on the calender that makes me appreciate every stepping stone I took to get me here. It’s a day of rememberance. A day of joy. A day of resiliance, strength and freedom.

I feel blessed with the entire life I have had. I do not regret anything I have lived through. I have accepted people and things the way they are and have to be. I have learned so much about myself and the reasons why I had to go through what I went through to make me a better stronger person. To teach me that we can change how our life is, we can put things in the past, we can make a choice of the kind of life we want. We stop blaming, stop the pitty party, buckle up and get straight.

My name is Kelly and I am an alcohlic, and I am okay with that. I love my life alcohol free. I love the freedom. I love the love I now have for myself. I am powerless over alcohol but now, I have the power. I have the choice. I have it all.

This is, Being Me Sober

Leisure

A risk I took that I don’t regret.

beingmesober

Describe a risk you took that you do not regret.

Would a blind date be a risk? I guess it was for me. What happens if it totally goes wrong, what if I really like him but he doesn’t like me?

My stepfather started talking about this gentleman shortly after I was separated from my ex. My stepfather kept asking if this person had called me yet. He was telling me how he would be perfect for me. Makes decent money and is raising his 2 daughter’s on his own.  I told him the last thing I need is a man in my life. I wanted to and had to concentrate on what I was doing, where I was going. I was emotionally unavailable, I wasn’t myself then. I was drinking and raising 2 young children.

2 years has gone by and my stepfather is still talking to me about this guy! He’s also talking too the gentleman about me, and asking if he’s called yet. My stepfather was determined for us to meet.

May 23 2006 my future husband called. He asked if I wanted to meet up for coffee. Of course we both felt obligated to go on the date so I said sure!

I was skeptical about him because he is in the financial industry and he is not someone that I typically go for. He is 10 years older than me which was a plus. More secure and knew what he wanted. But I had this image in my mind that he was a “Banker” I had an image of Mr. Cleaver in my mind. I thought he probably doesn’t even drink. Little did I know. Little did he know.

We went for a walk around the lake and to my surprise he asked if I wanted to go for a beer somewhere. Ohhhh wow! Okay, he does drink. Well ya! I responded. Luckily we had to drive home so we couldn’t stay long. He asked me if I wanted to go for dinner the following evening. I accepted. He was/is super nice, good looking and wants so many things that I want. What was really attractive was the fact he was raising 2 teenaged daughters on his own. He is an amazing father.

May 25 2026 will be 20 years we’ve been together! 13 years married and ironically it is also 17 years of sobriety for me. That determination my stepfather had I am extremely thankful and grateful for. He did more than set us up, he saved me in a way he never knew, I never knew. When we met for coffee that day it was the beginning of something so magical and heaven sent.

I took a risk that day by meeting someone totally out of character for me and it changed not only my life but my kids too. We had a lot of work ahead of us but we made it through. We have an amazing blended family with 7 grandchildren.

I will never regret saying yes to the “Banker”. Nor will I ever forget what these 2 men brought to my life 🙏❤️

Mental Health

The Break-Up

beingmesober

Hello fellow warrior’s! I hope you are all striving to be your best selves.

Breaking up, ugh the pain is horrible. Its never ending. The crippling anxiety and heartache. You question everything about yourself. Was it me? 🤔 You don’t think you’re ever going to have anything good in life.

Doesn’t that sound familiar? It’s the same as removing alcohol from your life. Having to be forced to be without something is going to make you grieve. It will be the same cycle as grief.

Your going to be accepting it at first, you’ll cry, or feel sad that you can no longer have this be a part of your life anymore. Then the anger sets in, and your pissed that you can’t drink! Everyone drinks! But not everyone drinks like us warrior’s do…not good! Then you feel little sputter flutters of happiness and literal excitement. You’re starting to feel proud of yourself and physically notice a difference. Your complexion is glowing, your eyes are sparkling and that smile is back and boy, do you look good!

These emotions were what I went through very early on in my first year of removing alcohol from my life. Breaking up is an example that I can use to explain to others when they are experiencing these outbursts of emotions and have no clue why.

These emotions we go through in recovery don’t last forever. You have to know it absolutely gets better. You’ve got to push through, surrounding yourself with good support groups. Take your time with yourself and most importantly, LOVE yourself.

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health

A decision I made that helped me learn and grow.

beingmesober

Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.

Decisions, decisions. We all have decisions to make, some major changes or little changes over time.

The one decision I’ve made over the last while are setting boundaries. Boundaries for things or people that aren’t aligned with you. Boundaries for respect and being treated the way you deserve.

I’ve been setting boundaries around people since I’ve been in recovery. It took a long time for me to see and accept that these people were not growing as I was. They were still stuck in their old ways, their lifestyle hadn’t changed and no longer offered the type of love or recognition I deserved. I couldn’t stand by and watch or hear the lies and betrayal. I couldn’t accept the fact that there was no accountability for actions that were done. I couldn’t play the game any longer. I couldn’t keep the secrets and pretend everything was as it looked. I had to walk away, slowly, until I realized this isn’t something I want to do anymore. I was tired of fighting to be seen and heard. I was tired of him choosing alcohol over his family. Over himself.  I was just so tired.

I was exhasted and sick of fighting for myself and what I deserved. Finally, I woke up and chose myself instead of forming to what others wanted me to do or be. I was tired of the people closest to me treating me like their punching bag and saying whatever they wanted to me.

Since I was little I’ve been subjected to verbal and physical abuse. That left me feeling extremly insecure. It allowed me to accept things that a stronger version of myself would not tolerate. I was living in fear, flight or fight mode for so long until I made the decision to change it. Until I was healthy enough, until my mind and eyes were clear. No haze, no denial. The more I got better the more I couldn’t accept this behavior towards me. It was time I stood up for myself no matter who it was that I had to walk away from in order to learn and grow.

There will be more hard decisions I will have to make as time goes on but I am learning to only accept those that have respect and offer me the same as I offer them, people or things that elevate me, bring me peace and stability.

The one decision I made to want better for myself and my inner being was never an easy one because walking away meant no more talking, no more visits, no more acknowledgment from the one person I depended on more than life itself. The one person who was my best friend and confidant. The one person I held secrets for for so many years. The one person that truly held my heart. My dad. I’ve never felt a true heart ache until I walked away and got no phone call or message asking where I went or what was wrong. I waited so many years for him to acknowledge me and that never came. It really opened my eyes to the true man he was. Lost in his own trauma that he never made the decision to change. I could no longer be a part of his trauma.

This year I am being selfish and protecting myself from others unresolved trauma that they force upon me with their hurtful words or accusations. I am setting boundries to improve my life, my stability and recovery.

The decision is yours.

This is, Being Me Sober