Category: Mental Health

Mental Health

A moment in my life that felt like a movie..

beingmesober

What’s a moment in your life that felt like it was straight out of a movie?

My life movie moment would have to be the first day I met my husband.

We met in a parking lot of Tim Hortons, suppose to have coffee, this was a blind date,  instead he asked if I’d rather go for a walk because of the beautiful day it was. May 25th 2006.

I agreed and followed him to a park called Fairy Lake located in Newmarket, Ontario. Its beautifully lined with trees with a paved walking, biking trail, and a lake surrounding the lush gardens and trees. It was my first time going there and I fell in love with not only the park but this man who brought me here, as we walked and talked about ourselves and got to know each other it felt magical.

He knew what to do, what to say, where to go to impress a lady. I was swept off my feet that day. His demeanor and what he stood for was so attractive right off the bat. Oh, and he was/is very attractive. It was easy and I felt very calm with him. He treated me like a lady and has been for the last 20 years. Nothing has changed.  He is still the man I fell in love with at Fairy Lake in 2006.

That day was definitely a Hallmark moment of my life.

Mental Health

I went on a walk and this caught my eye…

beingmesober

Go on a walk today and share a photo of something that catches your eye.

One of my favorite things to do is go for a walk with oir golden retriever, Gracie.

Ms. Gracie Lou

We have an area behind our house that we go to so she can go through the path and quickly get to the big area of sand so she can do her sand dance.

I enjoy going in the early spring and looking at what old man Winter has left behind when the snow and ice has melted. How the landscape has changed. There was a lot of water this year which flooded quite a few areas. As I stood and stared at one area Gracie does her territorial sniff, I couldn’t believe how much water and swamp like area that once was lush with trees and grasses, natural ground. It was devastated. Broken limbs dangling from trees, trees uprooted and fallen from the water level and being saturated. But I also saw beauty in the devastation. Mother nature doing her job. Taking out the weak. Changing the landscape. Making room for something new.

Sometimes we have to look beyond the mess to see the beauty.

Mental Health

How I handle fear and self doubt.

beingmesober

How do you handle fear and self-doubt?

Fear and self doubt mixed with self sabotage, the intrusive thoughts. We all have it. Some, worse than others, and some just excel in everything they do and have managed to keep those thoughts and feelings at bay and push through.

Having those feelings can be much more complex from an abusive childhood, being bullied in school and/or work, or have been rejected more times than accepted.

As I’ve gotten older I’m not as timid or shy but that doesn’t mean I have no fear or self doubt. I’ve struggled many times in my 55 years but I’ve never given up. I’m also a procrastinator..oh gosh, yes, I am. That could be from fear and self doubt. When I first discovered fluid art I wanted to try it. I started on a small canvas and eventually wanted to try a large 36 x 48 canvas. It looked massive to me at that time. It sat against the wall for weeks. Every time I walked by I would stop and stare. Ugh, I kept thinking. Its so big. I can’t do it.

I finally decided now or never. How will I excel at art if I am scared or don’t try. I completed the piece and I liked it okay. Everyone loved it. My friends and strangers were complimenting me on how nice it was, how much talent it took to create that! I was so honored and proud. My art took off from there and the funny thing is I only like to work on large canvases now. I’m really enjoying my textured Art I’ve learned and created some nice pieces.

So the next time your mind tells you you can’t do something ask yourself who is saying that. Who says you can’t do something that excites you or helps you grow? We are here to express ourselves in whatever brings us happiness and love.

YOU are capable. YOU can do whatever you set your mind to you just have to try and try again. Quiet those voices with anticipation and determination.

Leisure, Mental Health, Stages

I’m 17 Today!

beingmesober

Hello fellow warriors. I hope you’re all striving to be your best selves everyday.

Every year I wake up and think of where I was on my sobriety anniversary. My stomach turns, my mind and body feels every emotion I was feeling that day.

I was terrified of what I might have lost. What I was doing with my life and my children.The thing is I was not a daily drinker, I might have had a drink before dinner, but I knew once I started I didn’t want to stop. I had kids to get ready for school and I had a business to run. I couldn’t be hungover and expect to clean a house or business to perfection if I was not feeling 100%. No one can do their best after a night of binge drinking.

It was the long weekend in May of 2009. I was drinking all day with our neighbor. I don’t know what happened but I packed a suitcase and walked with my daughter and her friend to her house and decided to leave my boyfriend. I continued to drink at my daughters friends house, her mothers rum or whiskey and got on the phone with my dad in Florida and asked if he’d come pick me up in Ontario. I was leaving and I needed him to come get me. I had no regard for my son or daughter. How on earth was I even going to get them to the States. This is where my mind was at. Still trying to escape. Still running. Still drunk. My dad would have come to get me. He always did. He had arranged a friend who would drive up and pick us up. It sounded like the perfect plan. I would leave, run, run to my dad who was there for me. No plan, no reason other than, I was drinking and raging.

When it was time for me to leave where I was and return home, I was angry, ashamed, scared and so so tired. What have I done. Again. More broken promises. Another relapse.

When I walked in the door at 9am I was prepared for everything and nothing, but also prepared mindfully for my boyfriend to tell me and my kids to pack up and leave. I didn’t know where to hide, where to go, what to do. I actually grabbed a blanket and went to the high school up the street and layed on the ground right there with the traffic going by looking at this person on a hill with her blanket. I didn’t know what to do or where to go, My mind was drunk and full of hate, not for them but for me. How pathetic I had become. What an embarressment for my kids I was. Not only did their dad have an alcohol problem but now their mom too. I couldn’t be in my skin. I hated myself. I was not worthy to anyone. I wished I was dead.

I grabbed my blanket got up and walked back home. I went upstairs washed my face, went to the kitchen made a tea, grabbed my anti depressants, probably 60 tablets or so, put them all in my mouth and swallowed. I grabbed my tea and walked out the front door on my way to the hospital. The hospital was not around the corner, it was a few km from our house but I was determined and so desperate to escape, die, get help. It was time.

I stayed in the hospital for 5 days and walked through the doors of AA June 1st 2009 at 8pm. That was one of the things I had to do to start and repair my relationship with my boyfriend and kids as well as his.I couldn’t believe I was “one of them.” I fought it as I am sure we all do, we aren’t like these people, we aren’t as bad, we don’t drink like that. We are not alcoholic. We have this under control….. Until we don’t.

I fought this but continued to go, to listen and try to find some familiarity. I spoke of such with a lady in AA, she told me to stay and I would hear someone who was just like me. I did, it was I think my 6 month of sobriety and someone spoke of their journey and what do you know, she was a binger, not an everyday drinker, just a drinker who couldn’t stop at one.  Just. Like. Me. There it is, there it was, in my face. I am like these people, I am alcoholic, I have become powerless over alcohol, it consumed me, it was my priority when my kids, my boyfriend, my life should have been my priority. These people were my people. We are all the same just with different stories.

AA, my boyfriend and the love for my children and step-children, and myself, got me to give up drinking. They saved my life.Today is a very special day, it is not only my 17th year alcohol free, but my husband and I met 20 years ago on this day, and married 13 years ago on this day. May 25th is a day on the calender that makes me appreciate every stepping stone I took to get me here. It’s a day of rememberance. A day of joy. A day of resiliance, strength and freedom.

I feel blessed with the entire life I have had. I do not regret anything I have lived through. I have accepted people and things the way they are and have to be. I have learned so much about myself and the reasons why I had to go through what I went through to make me a better stronger person. To teach me that we can change how our life is, we can put things in the past, we can make a choice of the kind of life we want. We stop blaming, stop the pitty party, buckle up and get straight.

My name is Kelly and I am an alcohlic, and I am okay with that. I love my life alcohol free. I love the freedom. I love the love I now have for myself. I am powerless over alcohol but now, I have the power. I have the choice. I have it all.

This is, Being Me Sober

Leisure, Mental Health

I wrote a book!

beingmesober

Hello fellow warrior’s! I hope you’re all striving to be your best selves.

I was sitting here thinking to myself, I can’t believe I haven’t shared that I actually wrote a children’s story. I wrote it in 2021 and it was published in March of 2022. 

If you can think back to that time when not only did we have Covid 19 almost at it’s end and countries getting back to a new normal, there was also a report on a school in Ontario, Canada, about all the indingenous children found buried on properties all over the school grounds. I was mortified and in shock that humans can actually treat others this way, especially inoccent babies, children. Their parents were told their child were missing. I am still in shock as I write this. Since then the Natives have had recognition and acceptance. They are amazingly talented people and have great Heritage. We are here to love one another and accept one another for who we are and the kindness, the helping, and the caring that we should be showing for each other.

I had to do something. It was in me to do something to help. I wanted to send a message but I didn’t know how I would do it.

Along the way in my sobriety journey I picked up a talent I never realized I had and that is Art. Painting, creating. I fell in love with it instantly. I had drawn a picture of a Flamingo one morning and as I sat and observed it, I decided to add a Bumblebee to the picture. All of a sudden the story came to me. Oh, I was excited. That’s how I could get a message out. Write a book! Write it for children so we can teach them about inclusion, diverstiy and caring and most of all acceptance. Mingo N Bumble were born!

Mingo N Bumble

A Flamingo and Bumblebee become friends by not being afraid to ask questions or not befriending a person because of what they look like. Flamingo and Bumblebee are 2 very different beings and I believe expressing it this way to children makes it fun while sending and sharing a message.

I am very proud of what I have written and shared with many people. I didn’t write the book to be known or for the money, I did it because I care for humanity. I did it because it’s something I can leave behind as apart of my legacy. I did it because I love you, all of you.

If you would like to check out my book you can view it on the link below…

https://books.friesenpress.com/store/title/119734000214051206

Leisure, Mental Health

What topics I like talking about…

beingmesober

What topics do you like to discuss?

My husband always says I talk a lot. I would say I’m a deep conversationalist and have to tell myself to hush at times. I analyze, hold eye contact and I listen but also like to have my say.

I enjoy talking about things I am confident and knowledgeable about. I also like talking or topics about things I’m curious about.

Sobriety is a topic I could talk about all day. There are so many other topics that lay in discussions involving addiction.

Astrology is fascinating to me. I’m always curious about all the crystals and the magic they can do.

Spirituality is another topic I could sit and chat about.

Topics get people talking which in turn gets people sharing and coming together. The more we talk the more we learn.

Knowledge is Power, Power is Knowledge. KP

##togetherwewin

Mental Health

The Break-Up

beingmesober

Hello fellow warrior’s! I hope you are all striving to be your best selves.

Breaking up, ugh the pain is horrible. Its never ending. The crippling anxiety and heartache. You question everything about yourself. Was it me? 🤔 You don’t think you’re ever going to have anything good in life.

Doesn’t that sound familiar? It’s the same as removing alcohol from your life. Having to be forced to be without something is going to make you grieve. It will be the same cycle as grief.

Your going to be accepting it at first, you’ll cry, or feel sad that you can no longer have this be a part of your life anymore. Then the anger sets in, and your pissed that you can’t drink! Everyone drinks! But not everyone drinks like us warrior’s do…not good! Then you feel little sputter flutters of happiness and literal excitement. You’re starting to feel proud of yourself and physically notice a difference. Your complexion is glowing, your eyes are sparkling and that smile is back and boy, do you look good!

These emotions were what I went through very early on in my first year of removing alcohol from my life. Breaking up is an example that I can use to explain to others when they are experiencing these outbursts of emotions and have no clue why.

These emotions we go through in recovery don’t last forever. You have to know it absolutely gets better. You’ve got to push through, surrounding yourself with good support groups. Take your time with yourself and most importantly, LOVE yourself.

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health

The first thing that comes to mind

beingmesober

Jot down the first thing that comes to your mind.

Ugh, another day in the car. 8hrs today. Temps going from 93° to a balmy 45° as we make our trek back up North from Florida.

We are lucky and get to spend 6 months in Florida and 6 months back home in Ontario, Canada. Every year for the past 15 years we’ve made the 22hr drive to paradise. We spent 15 years in Ft. Lauderdale and moved to the West Coast in November to be closer to our oldest daughter, her husband and their 2 boys. My father lived on the West Coast since 97 and moving there was another reason. We managed to make amends and get back to each other but unfortunately he passed away before the move. Even though hes no longer here, I still feel close to him and can visit his cript any time. I guess another first thought would be my dad. Feeling as if I’m leaving him behind. If you’ve read my other blogs you can see its been quite a ride with him. My heart is full of sadness and peace at the same time.

I know hes guiding us now and keeping us safe 🙏.  As we drive through all the states and city’s, over the bridges and through the beautiful mountains I sit and gaze out the window singing along to all the music, I swear I know every song, and cherish every memory I have with my dad traveling down these same roads and asking the question, “Are we there yet?”

This is, Being Me Sober

Mental Health

A decision I made that helped me learn and grow.

beingmesober

Describe a decision you made in the past that helped you learn or grow.

Decisions, decisions. We all have decisions to make, some major changes or little changes over time.

The one decision I’ve made over the last while are setting boundaries. Boundaries for things or people that aren’t aligned with you. Boundaries for respect and being treated the way you deserve.

I’ve been setting boundaries around people since I’ve been in recovery. It took a long time for me to see and accept that these people were not growing as I was. They were still stuck in their old ways, their lifestyle hadn’t changed and no longer offered the type of love or recognition I deserved. I couldn’t stand by and watch or hear the lies and betrayal. I couldn’t accept the fact that there was no accountability for actions that were done. I couldn’t play the game any longer. I couldn’t keep the secrets and pretend everything was as it looked. I had to walk away, slowly, until I realized this isn’t something I want to do anymore. I was tired of fighting to be seen and heard. I was tired of him choosing alcohol over his family. Over himself.  I was just so tired.

I was exhasted and sick of fighting for myself and what I deserved. Finally, I woke up and chose myself instead of forming to what others wanted me to do or be. I was tired of the people closest to me treating me like their punching bag and saying whatever they wanted to me.

Since I was little I’ve been subjected to verbal and physical abuse. That left me feeling extremly insecure. It allowed me to accept things that a stronger version of myself would not tolerate. I was living in fear, flight or fight mode for so long until I made the decision to change it. Until I was healthy enough, until my mind and eyes were clear. No haze, no denial. The more I got better the more I couldn’t accept this behavior towards me. It was time I stood up for myself no matter who it was that I had to walk away from in order to learn and grow.

There will be more hard decisions I will have to make as time goes on but I am learning to only accept those that have respect and offer me the same as I offer them, people or things that elevate me, bring me peace and stability.

The one decision I made to want better for myself and my inner being was never an easy one because walking away meant no more talking, no more visits, no more acknowledgment from the one person I depended on more than life itself. The one person who was my best friend and confidant. The one person I held secrets for for so many years. The one person that truly held my heart. My dad. I’ve never felt a true heart ache until I walked away and got no phone call or message asking where I went or what was wrong. I waited so many years for him to acknowledge me and that never came. It really opened my eyes to the true man he was. Lost in his own trauma that he never made the decision to change. I could no longer be a part of his trauma.

This year I am being selfish and protecting myself from others unresolved trauma that they force upon me with their hurtful words or accusations. I am setting boundries to improve my life, my stability and recovery.

The decision is yours.

This is, Being Me Sober