Tag: #boundaries

Mental Health

The other side of Addiction….

beingmesober

Hello fellow warrior’s! I hope you are all striving to be your best selves!

I’d like to talk about the other side of addiction. The ones looking in and watching their loved ones struggle with alcohol, drugs or any addiction.

I come from a long line of alcohol abuse and have suffered myself with alcohol and I’ve also been on the recieving end of the abuse that comes with alcohol abuse for some. 

When I knew I wanted children and had my 2, alcohol abuse was never on my radar. I concentrated on raising them to be a good person, well mannered, good in school and have a successful career. Like we all want for our children. To lead a productive healthy life. To be better than we were. To learn from our mistakes.

I was always open with my children about drugs and the dangers of them. I also spoke to them about drinking and driving. To call home if they needed a ride or they were in trouble, but I never thought about the risk of them becoming alcoholics themselves. I was not in reccovery at the time so I was just as naive as they were. I didn’t quite understand fully the risks of inherited trauma based addiction. It was the blind leading the blind.

Fast forward, I am now 17.5 years alcohol free. I’ve never done hard drugs just the odd joint here and there. I was ignorant and blinded to the amount of drugs, hard drugs, that were being done by teenagers in schools and the street. I never thought my kids would do that. I didn’t, so why would they?  I have warned them of the consequences of cocain and other harsh life taking drugs. I did my best to be open and keep the lines of communication open.

I was always hard on my son thinking he would be like his father. So terrified and for that I was very hard on him. I had to be the dad he never had. Playing both roles as mother and father. My daughter was so good in school, she never gave me a hard time, never spoke back to me.  she was independant and just a good kid until it started when she was 15. The drinking. The blackout episodes. The pot, the cocain. The lies and the terror I started to realize.

I was told by people it’s just high school, her age, she will grow out of it. I knew deep down that she had an issue. My intuition was on high. I had been alcohol free for a couple of years then and had much more knowledge of addiction and the actions of people that go with it. The lies, the hiding, and the unsettled feeling that something is so wrong.

Today my son is 33 and has 3 kids and a successful business. He went through his time of drinking and came to the realization that nothing good comes with it, just problems and he’d probably end up alone if he continued. We had many, many talks about what he was doing and how he was choosing to spend his free time. How the alcohol was affecting him, his children and his wife and of course his business, his friends and us. I know he may choose to have a beer again but I hope he doesn’t. I hope all the talks and what he has seen in his life, like his father, his grandfather and me, that nothing good comes out of drinking. I hope he goes long enough to see what a great life it is to be alcohol free. No more shame, regret and explanations.

My daughter is 30 and struggling. We are all struggling. I am not confident that she has stayed straight. It is hard to beleive her when she tells me where she’s been. Everything has a question mark. Did she go to AA or is she appeasing me to do what she wants? When she doesn’t come home at night my mind always goes to her being in jail or worse, dead. Then she will walk through the door or calls, and all my anxiety washes away, but underneath I’m angry, I am scared and I am left with wonder. I want to beleive her and support her but it is very difficult. I am lost and don’t know what to do. When she tells me she is somewhere do I drive and check up on her? Do I ask her to leave her home because she is causing so much uneasiness and tension? How can I ask her to leave when she doesn’t make enough to even survive on her own. I can’t give up and I can’t give up on her, what if I’m wrong and too controlling. All these questions constantly going through my mind until I know she is safe and home in her bed at night.

PTSD! That is what is happening on the other side of addiction. The ones helping the other to get straight. This is what we are left with. Their car isn’t in the driveway, oh god, did she get a dui, did she have an accident, did she do coke and die, did someone kidnap her when she was blackout? Waiting for the door to open and they come through with a big hello! Waiting for the phone call that says, I am okay. Waiting for the unknown number or the knock on the door from the police. Waiting, waiting for the shoe to drop because every time they leave we are asking ourselves what are they really doing?

My daughter has been through a lot during her addiction. Some unbelievable things that I won’t tell the world. That’s her story to tell. I will say to all addicted or on the other side, this is hard on you and us. It leaves scars that remain forever. I know I have left scars and for that I am truly sorry and have come to terms with it and made ammends and prayed for forgiveness.

For those who think we just aren’t affected by their addiction you’re very wrong. Your addiction affects everyone that cares for you. We may seem like we got this but on the inside we are screaming for the confirmation that everything is okay. We want out as much as you do. We want everything we wished for you since the day you were born.

The only way we can help each other is through honesty, communication and commitment. Going deeper into your addiction other than just dropping the drug and moving on. There are other underlying issues that contribute to addiction. Mental health, trauma, rejection, etc. We need to explore every avenue of getting into our brains to help us function and be more balanced to understand the why. My daughter has started medication for ADHD which can be a contributer to her addiction and why she can’t escape this hell. I hope it helps and I hope it makes her feel more settled. I hope she sees the value that she has to the world and I hope she helps herself more than she helps others right now. She ignores her own respinsibilities and does for others what she should be doing for herself.

The one question I always have in my mind is, “Is it my fault? Did I contributer to this, Was I not there for her?” NO! No it is not my fault, I did not make this happen, I was and am there for her. That is a natural question or wonder we have. We blame ourselves when something is wrong with our children. Not one parent is perfect, we all make mistakes. We have to know this is their path and their own acceptance of the disease and it’s up to them to make the choice to change.

The ones struggling, you are not alone. The ones on the other side, you are not alone. Yet we feel so alone, like we are the only ones going through this. There are so many struggling today but together we can share and talk about what we are going through and get support so we don’t feel alone. Let’s rally up and get through this together. #togetherwewin

This is, Being Me Sober.

Leisure, Mental Health

Managing Stress!

beingmesober

How do you manage stress?

Let’s face it, life has become more stressful in the last few years. Outside factors contribute to everyone’s stress. Especially in the last while, with food, gas, interest rates increasing and showing no signs of improving anytime soon.

Once you are home from work or whatever you’re doing outside the home, you come home to possibly more stress. It could be something as simple as tripping on the rug when you walk through the front door. All those stress moments in the back of your mind suddenly blow! Someone watching may think you need a bit of anger control but its the stress that we build up in ourselves that the smallest thing sets it off.

I used to hibernate my feelings and just pretend that everything was fine. It made everything so much bigger than it actually was because I wasn’t dealing with it. I drank, I stayed quiet, I hid, and I suffered and the people around me also suffered.

Today, I acknowledge the stress. What can I do about it? Can I control the situation? Is continuously thinking about it doing anything? Lastly, Is it my problem to figure out?

Stress can do so many negative things to our bodies and mind. It needs to be acknowledged and dealt with right away. It takes years off your life and makes you very unhappy. It takes away your potential and presence.

Let the situation come, analyze and move on. Talk to someone about it if its more serious. Use breath work to calm your nerves. Put your favorite music on if you can. Take 5 and remove yourself from the situation. Grab a pen and paper and write out what you want to say or do and tear it up. Sit quietly and release what doesn’t serve you.

Take what you can control and leave the rest. Don’t waste your life on stressing over things that wouldn’t matter a day or month from now.

Leisure, Mental Health

An underrated life skill…

beingmesober

What’s the most underrated life skill?

One underrated life skill is learning to pause before you speak. Its taken me a long time to master this, even if I haven’t mastered it at all.

I’ve always been defensive when I feel threatened or feel I need to get my point across. I’ve had a difficult time holding my words and patience. I’m a truth seeker and stand by honesty. I would call people out when they were wrong. If I chose to stay quiet, my face would say it.

As I’ve gotten older and understand what staying silent means, it’s shown me patience and strength and most of all peace.  It doesn’t mean you’re weak or wrong. It doesn’t mean you have nothing valuable to say. Silence means listening and trying to see things from others point of view or just protecting your peace. Silence allows you to absorb the words or actions and assess them and either deal with it in a calm manner or not at all.

Silence is golden. Listening is a skill. The urgency to respond right away is also a skill that takes work.

My most recent practice is trying to stay silent when my daughter is complaining or discussing with me things in her life that feel utterly impossible.  To me, it’s easy what to do and I try to help her and explain what to do but my advise is at time irrelevant to her. So, I must learn to just listen and say nothing. Simple words like, I understand or just a simple okay. I can’t give her the answers she is looking for so I must try to stay quiet but also keep my face in check.

Sometimes the best thing we can do for them and ourselves is pause and wait before we speak.

Mental Health

The results of unresolved trauma….

beingmesober

Hello fellow warrior’s! I hope you’re all ending summer looking forward to the change of season and welcoming Fall. A new season is always a fresh start. Letting go of unwanted relationships that don’t help you grow, taking that leap of faith and doing something you’ve been passionate about but haven’t dared to try yet or had time for it. Maybe it’s finally booking that appointment with the doctor, therapist or counselor you’ve been putting off.

I’d like to discuss some issues that come from unresolved childhood trauma as we grow and enter other relationships through life.

Doing something new or trying to change is scary and we all put it off but, think of what could be, imagine the life you could have if you just did that one thing. The results could be life changing for good or…..worse.

I’ve been a witness to people that haven’t dealt with childhood trauma. It is not ideal for anyone, especially for the one that is hurting unconsciously.

Even though you believe the trauma is gone and you’ve “put it past you”, it’s still there, buried in the subconscious mind. The mind gets triggered by actions from others or actions done by ourselves. We don’t realize or know the triggers but it comes out with a vengeance when we feel threatened or something has set them off.

We’ve been hurt by people that we trusted, people we loved and never thought they would do what they did. We don’t understand how or why. Even the person inflicting the hurt doesn’t realize what they are doing, until it’s done and they regret their anger, their hurtful words or their physical actions towards you. They beg to be forgiven and loved. They know they aren’t that person but they can’t seem to “help” it. It just happens. They have shame and quilt for how they hurt the ones they love. They feel worthless and unworthy. They think they can get better on their own. Their pride or ego or they close themselves off. “I don’t need a doctor!”

Their loved ones know the real person inside and want so bad for them to get help. They pray, they hope and they love again only to be back at the table listening to the apologies again and again.

The mentality or ego that keeps us from changing can destroy a life that was meant for so much better.

If my dad got therapy for his childhood trauma, maybe my mom and him would have stayed together. Maybe he would of loved my mom more than beer, maybe he wouldn’t of had 4 other wives, maybe he would of found love in the right people, not the ones who just wanted his money, maybe he could of been truly happy and maybe, he wouldn’t of died alone. 🙏

I wish he would have gotten help and spoke to a doctor. He would of known he had so much to offer and was so much more than his money, which he thought made him who he was. He lost out on so much while he was here. With me, my sister and my kids. He denied what he knew about himself and focused on the wrong things. He never got help.

Talking to someone to better your life is something to be proud of. Having the courage to see that you want to do and be better for yourself and those around you. Your taking accountability and being the change.  Stopping the cycle. Stopping the hurt. Don’t let your ego get in the way of a good life, a prosperous life and a life you can look back on with a smile and real pride.

Mental Health

Learn to Love what you’ve been through…

beingmesober

My husband will say he feels sorry for me and my past. I always respond saying, “Don’t feel sorry for me. Thank you though for your concern and empathy.”

What I’ve been through has given me strength and resilience I never knew I had in me.

I’ve forgiven and tried my best to understand why the people who loved me the most could hurt me the most.

I’m a 70s born Gen X, who along with the others grew ourselves up. The latch key kids. The generation that went out and stayed out til the street lights came on. Our parents had no idea where we were. My grandmother always told me to keep a quarter in my pocket so I could call home if I was in trouble.

I love the generation I grew up in. We were so free.

That generation was still “quiet” though. No one  talked of abuse or mental health issues. It stayed in the home and we thought it was normal. When someone would speak of it, people would question their validity of the accusations. It wasn’t discussed in public, it was not acceptable to speak of such things.

I was 4 when I knew what I seen was very wrong. I was 8 when I said no more. I was 15 when I confronted my father and said what I thought. I was 18 when I was forced to be independent. 

I was the child that spoke up when I had enough. I was the teenager who spoke her truth and stood up for all women. I was the adult full of anger, secrets that were ready to be revealed, full of sorrow, defense and alcoholic.

I am now free. I am free of my past. Free of alcohol. Do I regret it? NEVER.

What we go through in life is what builds us. Either we do better and want better or we continue the same cycle for generations to come. I wanted way better for myself. The life I had growing up was something that taught me to respect myself, never let people hurt me physically or mentally, treat my children with love and support no matter what. It taught me that if and when I fell, I will get back up. My past taught me a lot and made me who I am and what I stand for.

There will always be people who have worse situations than us. Take what you’ve had and use it as a lesson. Do better and be better.

Don’t be sad or drown in it. Take it and use it to go forward and be successful. Take it and make it powerful and meaningful. Take it and change it.

Love the life you’ve been given. Only you can do that.

This is Being Me Sober

Leisure, Mental Health

Something I do completely different from how I was raised…

beingmesober

What’s something you do completely differently from how you were raised?

I have 2 very different parents. My dad was so young at heart and always wanted to have fun but instilled such good morals and values, he was easy going and easy to talk to and share anything with. My mom, yikes. She was very strict, quick tempered and closed minded. Not easy to speak to about pre-teen, teenage girl problems. She was abused as a child and with no therapy the trauma just continued down the line onto me. Until I did something different, nothing would change. I would continue the generations of abuse.

My father was also abused but he never directed that anger towards me, just his wives. Again, no therapy, trauma continues down the line along with alcoholism and mental health issues such as depression, anxiety etc.

I always made an oath with myself growing up. Number 1 – No man will ever abuse me or my children. Number – 2 – I will never mentally or physically abuse my children. I will be open and remember what it was like for me at that age. They will be well mannered and respect authority and their elders.

My parents both raised me to have manners and respect people. Don’t make fun or hurt others and do not lie. Always tell the truth. If you have nothing nice to say then don’t say anything at all. The core morals and manners.

With my kids I raised them in a way that they could always count on me, they never have to question my judgement, they never have to wonder if I would leave them. I raised them to be strong adults and with good work ethic. I raised them to be who they wanted to be and to never question their ability of what was possible for them. I raised them to know that family is everything and no matter what we can always work it out. I raised them to get through the hard stuff together and don’t run, face it head on.

The hardest job in the world is being a parent. There’s no manual or You-Tube video to guide you through the next 50 + years of being a parent. Just because they turn 18, doesn’t mean we are done. Parenting ends the day we die. We do the best we can as parents and do better if we need to than our parents. We can not be selfish when we have children because as soon as they are born, it is about them, your second fiddle now for awhile.

I think I can be proud of the way I raised my Son and Daughter. They are polite, funny, open, good humans and my son is an amazing father to his 3 sons. We have a great relationship with each other and gotten through the tough times. There will be more to come, I know, but I also know we always find our way back to the good times.

Leisure

How I deal with uncertainty?

beingmesober

How do you deal with uncertainty?

The unknown. It can give us so many stress related problems with our bodies and mental health.

Like I said in yesterday’s post about “adulting” leave it to the universe. How can we stress about something that isn’t certain?

I take what is infront of me, the things I can and do have control over. I leave the rest up to whatever is to be will be.

I think a lot of that comes with maturity, getting older and not worrying or stressing about the uncertainty. As we age we learn to let things go and concentrate on what’s there.

I don’t have the energy or patience to think of what could happen. I don’t let the uncertainty run miles in my mind stressing over something I have no idea of what’s going to happen.

We can drive ourselves crazy thinking of the scenarios that play out in our minds of the possibilities of the unknown.

Today is what I concentrate on.  Remember that song, Whatever will be, will be.

Focus on what’s infront of you, things you have control over and leave the rest up to the big guy upstairs 🙏

Mental Health

My guide to setting boundries.

beingmesober

Write your guide to setting healthy boundaries in relationships.

This is something I’ve been working on for quite some time.

Setting boundries is difficult because a lot of the time it’s between people that are close to us.

When I first became sober I had to have a conversation with a friend about getting together when she drinks. Her and I had a very good drinking relationship but also a friend that I confided in. I had to explain to her that I could not be around her if she was drinking. She was a little taken back but agreed to get together and have tea with me instead. Every Friday night we did that for a year. Until I was secure enough in my sobriety, I had to set those boundries. Not just to my friend but to everyone around me.

We deserve respect and to be free of any unwanted relationship that doesn’t make us feel worthy or respected. If they don’t bring joy and happiness to your life then it’s up to you to set the boundaries of what you expect.

If someone in my life is not treating me with respect, I will bring it to their attention and ask for what I deserve. If they can not, then I have to distance myself from that person. Not out of anger or revenge but for my own mental stability. I want people to treat me with the same respect as I do them.

My husband and I have had to put down some pretty strick boundries with our 30 year old daughter who is in and out of recovery. It has been the most challenging experience we’ve ever had to deal with. We can not threaten to kick her out because we don’t want her on the streets or living in her car or worse, dying. Its not for lack of trying on her part but boundaries have to be there.

Set boundaries:

Right after work she is to come home. Her friends consists of 2 maybe 3 and those are the people who she can spend time with outside the home. She is to attend AA once a week or more and attend therapy.

One of the biggest challenges is what we do if she relapses. Well….we pick up and start again. These boundries are ones that she can handle and ones we are comfortable with. Sure we could kick her out but I’m not willing to accept what could happen.

Boundries are set for emotional well-being. There are rules we have to follow just as boundaries have to be put into place when our peace is at jeopardy or we are being mistreated. Sometimes it may feel selfish but if no one cares for you who will?

The only control people have over us, is the control we give them. KP